Until Now...

So I guess it's smartest to start at the beginning...

I was born in Manitoba, Canada and moved to BC, Canada with my mom, dad, brother, and sister when I was 5 or so. My dad was the most abusive guy I've ever heard of...you name it, he did it. I once saw him hit my mom in the forehead with a 7 pound rock from the driveway...I listened to him beat my brother black and blue with a running shoe for getting a bad mark on something in school...and I witnessed him sexually abuse my sister on a nearly nightly basis since I shared a bedroom with her. This all went on until I was 9 and Jenn, my sister, told my mom what was what when she wasn't around, while my dad was out of province. My mom made the decision to divorce my dad and took Jenn to the cops. My mom drove me out to Manitoba to stay with my aunt, who I didn't remember and went back to BC to confront him. Somehow my dad got wind of all this and figured committing suicide was better than facing jail time. Shortly after my mom came and got me, bringing me back to BC...we stayed there for another 6 months or so before moving back to Manitoba since this is where all our family is.

We lived with my grannie for awhile, then with one of my mom's friends...then some crap house north of town...then back to grannies, and finally my mom bought 10 acres of land and moved a house trailer onto it. Keep in mind that until she finally bought the farm, we changed houses almost every year, so I never bothered making friends, knowing we'd be leaving in 8-14 months. During this time I had gotten very close to my cousin, Kristine and did alot of sleep overs with the 2 of us, Jenn, and her brother Eric. Eric came up with the GRAND idea of playing truth or dare. Imagine if you will me, being only 10 and freshly losing my dad, being dared to run naked to the neighbor's and ring the doorbell. Eric was my first experience with condoms, blow jobs, and anything else his twisted 15 year old male brain could think of. My mind blocked most of this from my memory until I was around 14 though...but the Christmas I was 11 I had figured enough was enough and when he wanted chinanigans, I climbed the Christmas Tree and was small and nimble enough that he never found me...I never went back.

Then in grade 9 all these memories started haunting me...I guess my psyche was ready to deal with the trauma or some damn thing so I would have dreams, nightmares if you will, about what hd happened. I had no idea it had actually happened until I invited Kristine over one night when we were staying at grannie's for the second time around and she told me it was all true...that she had witnessed it all. Finally I was at school one day having a typical horrid day since I was the nerd that the loser kids picked on...and I put myself in my locker at lunch and didn't come out until the school had teachers searching for me. They found me crying in my locker and I was taken to the school counsellor...won't tell my mom my ass! That's the first person she dragged in there after I told her what was wrong! Anyway, I went over what was what again with my mom and of course she started crying...then she took me to the police. Seriously, what are they going to do now? Shake their finger? He was 15 and I was 10! I realise it was boyhood curiosity now but it was still WAY inappropriate and illegal. I just wanted an "I'm sorry". I don't want to get him in trouble, I just want him to see what he did to my now tweeked brain and appologize. He didn't give me that...he denied everything until Jenn told him to smarten the f*ck up! To this day he feels shady about what happened, but thinks he did no wrong. Whatever...

I moved in with my mom at the farm and started babysitting the neighbor kid...who by chance had 2 horses. Both 2 year olds and barely handled. The kid was 11 and new how to make a sandwich so I spent most of the time with the horses and this is when my love for horses began. After a year of saving and the go ahead from mom I started a 6 month battle with the kid's parents trying to get them to sell. After many times running home through the pasture crying because they changed their minds, I started carrying around $500 so when they said ok next time, I'd hand them cash and they couldn't go back on it. Spring 2000 Dove and Flika came home :) I bought Dove, my mom bought Flika. I rode Dove EVERY day for the next year and a half no matter the weather or how long/far. Dove taught me almost everything I know...then Flika taught me to think...and eventually when I wanted to sell Dove and get something a little more firey, mom bought me Cinder and I gave her Dove...Cinder taught me how to hang on and have patience!

About halfway into grade 10 I started losing my mind. I wasn't allowed to see Jenn because she was "unstable" according to my mom and at school I remained the poor bastard that the most unpopular kids wouldn't be seen with. I'm not sure why or how I got to be the loserest of the bunch considering I'm not ugly and I wasn't THAT unfriendly...I just never made friends easily. Sure, I had kids that would smile and say hi as I passed them...but that was as good as it got. I started seriously cutting that year...with paperclips, knives, razor blades...even used my own finger nails to scratch the skin clean off before. I'd use hot lighters to burn myself and do anything that seemed wreckless, hoping to be injured. Pain seemed to make me forget whatever was eating at my brain. It made time stand still, even if it was only for 10 minutes, it was a break. The school counsellor got worried and eventually my mom caught on to what I was doing...she sent me to a stabilization crisis unit in town. GREAT. So now the kids that THOUGHT I was crazy now KNOW I am...thanks.

Things just spiralled from there...I started cutting deeper, needing 5-12 stitches for each one, and my thoughts drifted to suicide. If dad did it, why couldn't I? After 2 attempts my mom admitted me to the Winnipeg Psych Ward in the downtown hospital because I wouldn't sign a paper at the crisis unit saying I would stay safe for 12 hours. My sister moved to an apartment damn near right beside the hospital so she could see me every day and check up on me. This is really when my bond with her started. Through everything with dad she was my rock but I barely remembered that...but she made up for it. I spent my sweet 16th birthday in a hospital gown in a padded room with nothing but a blanket and some anti-psychotics in my system...but Jenn spent that night with me until the nurses kicked her out :) she really was my saving grace. While I was in hospital we talked so much...really got to know and understand each other...shared stories and personal things. She really was my best friend.

Finally 8 months later I had had enough of being crazy and wanted to get on with my life. Took some convincing but I was discharged as a "recovered borderline personality with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and PTSD (post traumatic syndrom disorder). Joy. I learned to live with it and control it best I was able. I was in this time, maybe a little earlier that I learned I was hard of hearing. I had lost 30% in my right ear, and 40% in my left. I was fitted for hearing aids and it took me longer than forever to adjust and accept them. I didn't wear them really until I was 19 or 20...I hated them with a passion because it just made me feel as if I weren't a whole person. When I got home I saw what mom had let happen to the horses...instead of fixing the fence, she LITERALLY kept them in the garage. Dove was able to walk in but I had to break the doorway to get her out since by that time she was nearly 9 months pregnant with her first foal. We had bred her to the neighbor's registered QH stallion before I went into hospital, but she never told me what was happening at the farm...especially the part about them being locked into a 14x20 foot enclosure for 8 months! There was so much crap in there they had to duck their heads when they moved around because of the rafters in the roof...I fixed that within the week. Had a make shift paddock and started mucking...

When I was released I had created such a bond with Jenn that we made plans to move in together and renovate a house. My aunt that had taken me in as a kid had bought the crappy house next to hers and gifted it to us as a project and home. Jenn had recently left her girlfriend of a couple years and was really down so I had to come up with ways to not only occupy her time but make her feel better about herself. I convinced her to come back to school with me. Even though she was 6 years older than me, we would graduate together, side by side. Class was going well and I helped her alot with her homework since we were in the same classes...and renovating the house was a blast! We painted the living room the colors of Scooby Doo because he was her most favorite thing ever! Light purple trim around the room, baby blue walls, and the kitchen was pastel green and we had 2 walls done with newsiding because it was behind the stove and stuff. We painted the bathroom purple and green, and our bedrooms were identical...right down to the checkerboard ceilings! We spent so much time painting...one day I got board and started thowing paint...we had to repaint that room! I loved that house, I loved going to school again because I had my best friend to sit beside...I loved life. I was sane, off meds, in school, and had future goals...I had also purchased a Welsh Pony stallion who sneakily bred all my mares...Dove's foal was going to be given to Jenn since Dove was "her" horse. We wanted her to actually have a horse of her own and Dove's foal was it.

Mother's Day 2005 that was ripped away.

Jenn was killed in a car crash one month before graduation by a guy, Stephen Keep, with no license driving a stolen car with Meth in his system. I was crushed. Still am I guess. Jenn was on her way to see a movie with her new girlfriend and 2 other friends when Keep drove into oncoming traffic. The car ahead of my sister's swerved out of the way just in time and a second later Jenn was gone. We're told it was instant and I hope so...after seeing the car later it didn't look livable. Jenn was the only fatality. The driver and her girlfriend each broke a leg, and the guy in the passenger seat had a concussion...that's it. Keep's injuries were more serious...he burst a vein in his heart or something and was rushed to hospital, as were the others. We got a phone call around 10pm that night saying Jenn was in a car accident and we needed to come to the hospital...

My sister was the type to phone you crying when she got a hangnail or sliver...we knew it was serious. But honestly I expected them to tell us she was in critical condition or surgery or something...give us options or information on how to fix it. Instead we were handed her personal belongings and told they were so sorry but they couldn't do anything. My mom started BAWLING. I just sat in disbelief. Watch the woman I had known to be so strong break down in front of my eyes. My mom has never been the same since. We were then led to the closed room where Jenn was, she didn't look that bad. Her head had a bandage and she was pale, but she looked as if she could be sleeping. First thing I did was take her hand...it was cold. Mom continued to sob and after 5-10 minutes she left the room to give me a little time. I still hadn't shed a tear. I remember checking her chest and yeah, she had been wearing a seatbelt...she was blue and purple from it. I then took her gecko ring off her finger and promised her I'd live for both of us as long as I could.

From there we went to see her friends that had been in the car with her and told them what had happened since NONE of the doctors seemed to think it was important for them to know Jenn's condition. I have never heard people scream as loud as they did. My mom moaned in emotional agony...but they actually screamed! Then we were asked to leave...

I stayed at the farm from May until August because I couldn't go in our house anymore. Dove's filly was born a little over a week after Jenn died and we named her Justus, as in Just Us. In August I desided I needed to just get away from everything. I moved to BC to live with my uncle for 9 months. In that time I had a couple different jobs and got my foot back in the door to finish school. When my semester was finished I had been horseless for WAY too long and wanted to go home...so I did. When I got back, the farm was a wreck. I've been fixing it ever since. I *almost* think I never should have left. I ended up selling 3 of the ponies produced from the Welsh stallion and the mares, keeping Justus though. I got my ass in gear and finished up school with alot of difficulty and with the help of my Gramma and my inheritance I attended college to be a dental assistant. During college I sold Cinder and regretted it instantly...ended up buying her back when the stupid kid I sold her to left her at her parent's place and they sold her from under the kid. Used some trickery but we got her back!

I know I've missed ALOT in there but my fingers hurt from typing so I'll end it here and give you an up to date next time...trust me, there's alot more where this came from, but the cramps in my hands are getting to me!

Til next time,
Shay-la