Hello again...just need to vent a little about how damn hard it is finding a dog friendly house to rent that ISN'T the size of a shoe box. The first place is definitely out, but I have 2 viewings set up for Thursday after work. Both are upstairs suites of duplexes, both allow dogs, and both under $1000. I saw one of them tonight on my own and LOVED it. Older house, ok-ish neighborhood, still no night time walks, but it was $950 utilities included, which is good for here, and was fairly big! Had 2 rooms, nice clean kitchen, the guy said I'd have a new shower head before I signed papers, and one spot in a garage...Bradey's truck won't fit! LOL mine...the other place I haven't seen yet but it's $700 utilities extra and in a worse-ish neighborhood. But both are VERY close to my work. I dunno...now that I'm not stressing about it and actually LOOKING, they're not as hard to find as they were...but still a pain not knowing where I'll be in 4 weeks yet.
Ponies are good but Zierra worries me sometimes...now her OTHER front hoof is kinda off. The one that was previously injured was deemed flat footed by Ethan, our farrier at her last trim. I have him coming back this Friday to take a peek at her and finish with Mini Man since we accidentally forgot about him somehow on trim day...LOL! Zierra was limping when we tried going out for Moki's birthday ride, favoring it yesterday...today seemed ok but still off. See by Friday how she's doing and what Ethan has to say, if anything.
Eve's gotten ALOT better since her little time off. Almost back to herself in accepting new things without putting me into barbed wire...plus I took that off the round pen! LOL now I have a fencer that works, got to test it out the other day myself! Was filling the tub and the water ran over a hot strand...I got it up both arms to my shoulders! Made me jump and scream...thank you to Moki and Bradey for not TOTALLY busting out laughing at me! I've been working with Eve more now, she's totally ok with ropes around her, on her, being thrown, and hitting her...ALMOST ready to start long reining. I've been walking at her shoulder asking her to move forward with clicking and hip bumps, steering with the reins. Just working on walk and whoa, some turning but not alot yet til she gets whoa down pat!
Cinder's hamming up retirement...alot more lovey now though. I jumped on her with just her bridal the other day...MAGICAL. I just let her jig - no bucks, no bolts, no rears...as long as I let her move out the way she wants to, I get no arguement so it's awesome! Was only on her for 15-20 minutes walking and jigging around the yard, but it was amazing. I'd say I miss her, but I still have her and that's all that matters...
Well that's all for now, going to be gorgeous weather tomorrow and we've had such a crappy summer I'm soaking it in every day it stays! Heading to the farm tomorrow before work, want to touch up Eve's feet and have Ethan look at them too for pointers! LOL
Nite
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Holy Big Changes Batman...
only thing that hasn't changed is the damn weather! We've had so much rain in the last month or two, it's disgusting...it's the end of August and we've had 2 days over +30 and our highs now are +19. Dammit...summer skipped us!
Anyway, because of the weather, haven't been able to do too much of anything with the horses. Too wet in the yard and pasture, been out on the girls a couple times though. Starting to go through withdrawl and want winter already! I can ride if it's snowing, not so much in the rain! Cinder's really enjoying retirement, I think she understands she's out...I can ALWAYS catch her now, even without her halter. She pushes her way up to the gate when we're taking horses out! Eve is still a little flighty at times but gaining her mellow side back. REALLY need to start spending more "training time" with her though, getting rusty! Once it dries up a little I think she'll be ok to start riding when the snow gets here. I want to start long reining her in the round pen, then in the yard, then ride in the round pen...I want her ready for it.
Justus has been a bit of a brat but nothing too bad...just hopping into her gaits again and pulling snotty pony every now and again but no rearing/bucking so it's good. Have to work on leading a bit and ground manners though! Zierra's got something going on with one of her front hooves...Ethan said she had a "flat foot" or something, but I'm pretty sure we're able to work around it by sticking to softer surfaces and possibly shoes next summer. We'll see.
Things with Bradey are going really well, we're back together and taking it day by day. With my lease coming up and him hating where he lives now, we agreed buying a house together is way too soon but roomies is a good step. We were ready for this step before and I think we are now too. My mom was upset to be the last to hear of Bradey and I...but it's not like I wasn't talking about him, she was just concentrated on beading and The Doc's show on tv. Whatever...
Finding a house under $900 that allows dogs is retardedly hard! Saw one tonight but every room is freakin TINY and you have to climb down a ladder to get to the laundry...the tub was pint sized and the roof looked a little eh...yet we still filled out an application just because it was $750 and close to Moki, Ashley, the farm, and not too far from my work. We're not taking it though...after some thought and talk, we want something bigger! The bed alone literally filled the room...we're talking a DOUBLE, not a queen size! Anyway, I found 3 more pet friendly places, all closer to my work...neighborhood's a little more shady but I don't need to go for walks at night! Besides...I'll have my dog! OMG my frickin DOG! Going to be so nice to have her back! Miss her like crazy.
Work is going well, still with Dr. Jay and love her to pieces. Some days get a little hairy but it's just a challenge to myself to see how "on time" I can keep us! Last Wednesday was insane...but I got us out half hour after everyone else so not too bad!
Niki's birthday is this weekend, I feel funny not actually handing her a gift but I gave her the $250 as a deposit on Jynx and lent her the rest...maybe I can get her something small. But what? Something to think about...
I need to get to bed, work in the morning...I hate Saturdays! LOL
Anyway, because of the weather, haven't been able to do too much of anything with the horses. Too wet in the yard and pasture, been out on the girls a couple times though. Starting to go through withdrawl and want winter already! I can ride if it's snowing, not so much in the rain! Cinder's really enjoying retirement, I think she understands she's out...I can ALWAYS catch her now, even without her halter. She pushes her way up to the gate when we're taking horses out! Eve is still a little flighty at times but gaining her mellow side back. REALLY need to start spending more "training time" with her though, getting rusty! Once it dries up a little I think she'll be ok to start riding when the snow gets here. I want to start long reining her in the round pen, then in the yard, then ride in the round pen...I want her ready for it.
Justus has been a bit of a brat but nothing too bad...just hopping into her gaits again and pulling snotty pony every now and again but no rearing/bucking so it's good. Have to work on leading a bit and ground manners though! Zierra's got something going on with one of her front hooves...Ethan said she had a "flat foot" or something, but I'm pretty sure we're able to work around it by sticking to softer surfaces and possibly shoes next summer. We'll see.
Things with Bradey are going really well, we're back together and taking it day by day. With my lease coming up and him hating where he lives now, we agreed buying a house together is way too soon but roomies is a good step. We were ready for this step before and I think we are now too. My mom was upset to be the last to hear of Bradey and I...but it's not like I wasn't talking about him, she was just concentrated on beading and The Doc's show on tv. Whatever...
Finding a house under $900 that allows dogs is retardedly hard! Saw one tonight but every room is freakin TINY and you have to climb down a ladder to get to the laundry...the tub was pint sized and the roof looked a little eh...yet we still filled out an application just because it was $750 and close to Moki, Ashley, the farm, and not too far from my work. We're not taking it though...after some thought and talk, we want something bigger! The bed alone literally filled the room...we're talking a DOUBLE, not a queen size! Anyway, I found 3 more pet friendly places, all closer to my work...neighborhood's a little more shady but I don't need to go for walks at night! Besides...I'll have my dog! OMG my frickin DOG! Going to be so nice to have her back! Miss her like crazy.
Work is going well, still with Dr. Jay and love her to pieces. Some days get a little hairy but it's just a challenge to myself to see how "on time" I can keep us! Last Wednesday was insane...but I got us out half hour after everyone else so not too bad!
Niki's birthday is this weekend, I feel funny not actually handing her a gift but I gave her the $250 as a deposit on Jynx and lent her the rest...maybe I can get her something small. But what? Something to think about...
I need to get to bed, work in the morning...I hate Saturdays! LOL
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Update
Been over a month since I last wrote, you'd think alot would have happened! Not so much...work is good, ponies are awesome, and life continues...
Eve's coming along nicely, been doing more round pen work with her since her explosion and she's mellowed out again. The firey TB side of her is showing more now though...I had a Clydie yearling, I have a TB 2 year old...wonder what she'll be next year?! Whatever she is I'll love her anyway! Cinder's enjoying her retirement, took her and Niki took Zierra to the Morris Stampede to compete in the gymkhana events - SO FUN! Out of 10 classes Cinder and I placed in 6 of them and won our money back, again! Did the same at Selkirk a couple years ago...always nice leaving and barely paying anything to compete! Cinder was tiiiiiiiired after that though! But, she's done her part, now to keep up my end of the bargain and make retirement awesome for her. Trimmed her feet today, she was a doll - and I figured out why she was such a cow with the farrier - when I trim her back legs, I just rest it on my knee so she doesn't have to lift it as high. I assume with fused hips, it can't be THAT comfortable holding her leg up so high, even for just 5 minutes. That's ok...I know her feet and I trust her enough to accomidate her. Everyone else will be coming up due for a trim soon too...I'm doing my own this time though - just can't afford it this time around and I know I won't mess their feet up. Been trimming since I was 16...
Bradey and I are talking again...started a couple months ago, very slowly online we're working on being friends. Went for coffee once, he came and cheered us on in Morris on the second day, and went to a BBQ with him and later the bar with Niki the other night - was fun. I miss him...even just hanging out again is nice. Might think about getting back together sometime...I know he does love me and he took full responsibility for pushing way too fast in the relationship before, said it gave me no choice BUT to run. Plus he's willing to be friends for now and see how it goes.
OH, I emailed the lady that I sold Max and Primo to - apparently her daughter Leyna and Max are doing 2' jumper courses now! I was floored! Can't wait to see some pictures...she sent me some last year of their small pony show thing but said she'll send me some of this summer once school's in again - she has dial up and home and it would take too long! So proud of him...wish he had grown! Had he been even a hand taller I could have made it work! But me being 5'9 and him only 13.2hh we just didn't fit!
We went and looked up Playboy today after riding at the farm...he's skinny. He looks good enough but up close, he's lost his topline and has no butt to speak of...just too thin for my personal standards, especially since I'm used to Dove and Flika! Porkers! The guy had him shod and his feet look ok though so that's a bonus...the guy sounded retarded talking about "FLOUNDERS" though...dude, it's founder. Get it right.
Sam's alot friendlier with the cats gone...it's wierd. Now when I take her out she's all cuddly and preeny, until she has to poop, then she still pinches me. But I like it that way, better than stepping in poop an hour later. Baby looks horrible...my mom kept her parrot in solitary confinement for about 2-3 years now and just this spring she plucked more than half her feathers out. I've heard of it before and Sam did a little when we moved into the apartment, but NOTHING like what Baby's done! What's mom's solution? To put her parrot's cage in the tiny ass bathroom in the mobile home. You have to understand, this bathroom is the size of a large closet, barely enough room to walk in and do what you need to WITHOUT the cage! Now, there's a parrot sized cage in there and you have to tango with it just to pee...and the plumbing still isn't properly fixed I don't think...and I'm about to move in there. Which brings me to my next topic...
WHY am I moving in with her?! WTF am I thinking?! Yeah I'll save a little money having way lower rent, but it won't make a difference if I can't get to work in the winter to MAKE the money! Plus I value my sanity a little more than that...I don't know what I'm going to do. Have to start looking around at my options. Lease is up end of September, that gives me over a month to find a place that will accept Sam, possibly Tika. Still too early to actually start asking to rent though, everyone wants to fill the spot for Sept right now, not thinking about Oct yet. Stupid double edged sword. My mom drives me crazy as is...nevermind if I opt to live with her. Not worth the money I'd save, and she's all gung ho about me coming "home" now so it's going to break her black heart when I tell her I'm not. Can't wait for that one...
Well, that's enough blabbering for now...
Eve's coming along nicely, been doing more round pen work with her since her explosion and she's mellowed out again. The firey TB side of her is showing more now though...I had a Clydie yearling, I have a TB 2 year old...wonder what she'll be next year?! Whatever she is I'll love her anyway! Cinder's enjoying her retirement, took her and Niki took Zierra to the Morris Stampede to compete in the gymkhana events - SO FUN! Out of 10 classes Cinder and I placed in 6 of them and won our money back, again! Did the same at Selkirk a couple years ago...always nice leaving and barely paying anything to compete! Cinder was tiiiiiiiired after that though! But, she's done her part, now to keep up my end of the bargain and make retirement awesome for her. Trimmed her feet today, she was a doll - and I figured out why she was such a cow with the farrier - when I trim her back legs, I just rest it on my knee so she doesn't have to lift it as high. I assume with fused hips, it can't be THAT comfortable holding her leg up so high, even for just 5 minutes. That's ok...I know her feet and I trust her enough to accomidate her. Everyone else will be coming up due for a trim soon too...I'm doing my own this time though - just can't afford it this time around and I know I won't mess their feet up. Been trimming since I was 16...
Bradey and I are talking again...started a couple months ago, very slowly online we're working on being friends. Went for coffee once, he came and cheered us on in Morris on the second day, and went to a BBQ with him and later the bar with Niki the other night - was fun. I miss him...even just hanging out again is nice. Might think about getting back together sometime...I know he does love me and he took full responsibility for pushing way too fast in the relationship before, said it gave me no choice BUT to run. Plus he's willing to be friends for now and see how it goes.
OH, I emailed the lady that I sold Max and Primo to - apparently her daughter Leyna and Max are doing 2' jumper courses now! I was floored! Can't wait to see some pictures...she sent me some last year of their small pony show thing but said she'll send me some of this summer once school's in again - she has dial up and home and it would take too long! So proud of him...wish he had grown! Had he been even a hand taller I could have made it work! But me being 5'9 and him only 13.2hh we just didn't fit!
We went and looked up Playboy today after riding at the farm...he's skinny. He looks good enough but up close, he's lost his topline and has no butt to speak of...just too thin for my personal standards, especially since I'm used to Dove and Flika! Porkers! The guy had him shod and his feet look ok though so that's a bonus...the guy sounded retarded talking about "FLOUNDERS" though...dude, it's founder. Get it right.
Sam's alot friendlier with the cats gone...it's wierd. Now when I take her out she's all cuddly and preeny, until she has to poop, then she still pinches me. But I like it that way, better than stepping in poop an hour later. Baby looks horrible...my mom kept her parrot in solitary confinement for about 2-3 years now and just this spring she plucked more than half her feathers out. I've heard of it before and Sam did a little when we moved into the apartment, but NOTHING like what Baby's done! What's mom's solution? To put her parrot's cage in the tiny ass bathroom in the mobile home. You have to understand, this bathroom is the size of a large closet, barely enough room to walk in and do what you need to WITHOUT the cage! Now, there's a parrot sized cage in there and you have to tango with it just to pee...and the plumbing still isn't properly fixed I don't think...and I'm about to move in there. Which brings me to my next topic...
WHY am I moving in with her?! WTF am I thinking?! Yeah I'll save a little money having way lower rent, but it won't make a difference if I can't get to work in the winter to MAKE the money! Plus I value my sanity a little more than that...I don't know what I'm going to do. Have to start looking around at my options. Lease is up end of September, that gives me over a month to find a place that will accept Sam, possibly Tika. Still too early to actually start asking to rent though, everyone wants to fill the spot for Sept right now, not thinking about Oct yet. Stupid double edged sword. My mom drives me crazy as is...nevermind if I opt to live with her. Not worth the money I'd save, and she's all gung ho about me coming "home" now so it's going to break her black heart when I tell her I'm not. Can't wait for that one...
Well, that's enough blabbering for now...
Monday, June 22, 2009
So it turns out I'm just as bad with keeping up with an online blog as my hand written journal...been forever since I wrote in here. Guess I'll just give you the most recent gossip...
Starting with ponies of course! Cinder's been on 2 mg of bute each day now for...3 weeks? Seems to be making a big impact! I can do walk/trot/canter and usually get a nice calm walk afterwards to cool her out rather than hand walking her. She's started leaning while working on a circle, like to the point where I have to counter lean! I don't know how to ask her to stop doing it either...last ride I got frustrated and took her back in the round pen. Moki was riding Zierra with us so Cinder thought it was all just a big race...still the same horse! Eve, the big brat, has just discovered that she's bigger than me. She's taken to REARING whenever she doesn't like what I'm asking her to do whether that's walking forward or backing up, if she doesn't want to, she just stands on 2 legs for about 10 seconds. I've never dealt with rearing when I'm on the ground...not sure what to do? Moki said to make her back up...will try that. But as soon as I put pressure on the halter to make her back up, she goes UP again! Fricken...STOP DOING THAT!!! I have to admit, now that she's a little older and figuring out where her feet are, she's not as calm and quiet as she used to be. Being quite the cheeky monkey lately...like today...she's always gently backed up to me and brushed me with her tail to ask for a butt scratch...today I was on the phone with Moki and standing on the feed tire (tractor tire) and she was loose in the round pen with me - she backed up to me like she usually does, and when I didn't instantly give her scratches, she cocked her back leg and booted the tire I was standing on!!!! I was like HEY! I kicked her back square in butt...don't kick at me when I'm on the phone...come to think of it, DON'T KICK AT ME! Brat...she kinda makes me nervous. I've dealt with 2 year old tantrums before...but they were 12hh...Eve's around 15.1 right now and not anywhere NEAR finished growing...guess I'll take it as it comes and do my best - that's all I can do.
Now onto stress...Moki's dad is doing a little better, sorta. He had his leg surgery finally and is able to get out of bed, took him outside a couple times now and we were able to wash his hair for him...today was promising. Not only did he get his first lesson with crutches and do ok, but he wheeled himself in the chair almost the entire time we were there AND got himself back into bed without the walker. Doesn't sound like much, but I could tell it meant the world to him to be able to do the little things again. I was having a hard time sympathizing for a bit there...he's ok, just his leg...no dude, he's feeling it everywhere. I started staying at Moki's parent's place with her alot this week just to "put myself in her shoes" and man, are they tiring. I'm happy to do what I can to help though, really, I am. Not much that I can do other than hold his leg while he hops into different chairs or help him lower/raise the bar on his chair...but every little bit counts.
Well, that's all for now...later!
Starting with ponies of course! Cinder's been on 2 mg of bute each day now for...3 weeks? Seems to be making a big impact! I can do walk/trot/canter and usually get a nice calm walk afterwards to cool her out rather than hand walking her. She's started leaning while working on a circle, like to the point where I have to counter lean! I don't know how to ask her to stop doing it either...last ride I got frustrated and took her back in the round pen. Moki was riding Zierra with us so Cinder thought it was all just a big race...still the same horse! Eve, the big brat, has just discovered that she's bigger than me. She's taken to REARING whenever she doesn't like what I'm asking her to do whether that's walking forward or backing up, if she doesn't want to, she just stands on 2 legs for about 10 seconds. I've never dealt with rearing when I'm on the ground...not sure what to do? Moki said to make her back up...will try that. But as soon as I put pressure on the halter to make her back up, she goes UP again! Fricken...STOP DOING THAT!!! I have to admit, now that she's a little older and figuring out where her feet are, she's not as calm and quiet as she used to be. Being quite the cheeky monkey lately...like today...she's always gently backed up to me and brushed me with her tail to ask for a butt scratch...today I was on the phone with Moki and standing on the feed tire (tractor tire) and she was loose in the round pen with me - she backed up to me like she usually does, and when I didn't instantly give her scratches, she cocked her back leg and booted the tire I was standing on!!!! I was like HEY! I kicked her back square in butt...don't kick at me when I'm on the phone...come to think of it, DON'T KICK AT ME! Brat...she kinda makes me nervous. I've dealt with 2 year old tantrums before...but they were 12hh...Eve's around 15.1 right now and not anywhere NEAR finished growing...guess I'll take it as it comes and do my best - that's all I can do.
Now onto stress...Moki's dad is doing a little better, sorta. He had his leg surgery finally and is able to get out of bed, took him outside a couple times now and we were able to wash his hair for him...today was promising. Not only did he get his first lesson with crutches and do ok, but he wheeled himself in the chair almost the entire time we were there AND got himself back into bed without the walker. Doesn't sound like much, but I could tell it meant the world to him to be able to do the little things again. I was having a hard time sympathizing for a bit there...he's ok, just his leg...no dude, he's feeling it everywhere. I started staying at Moki's parent's place with her alot this week just to "put myself in her shoes" and man, are they tiring. I'm happy to do what I can to help though, really, I am. Not much that I can do other than hold his leg while he hops into different chairs or help him lower/raise the bar on his chair...but every little bit counts.
Well, that's all for now...later!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Ah, to be home again..
We brought all the mares back to the farm, including Jynx, May 2. My mom can act crazy sometimes, but it's usually limited to beads and puzzles...it stays inside. Betty has some "different" versions of how to imprint a day old foal...we tucked tail, packed up, and headed home! Heck, my mom complained just today about having to walk around to each of the horses today and feed them. OMG no! Not actually LOOK at the animals you've owned for the last 7 years!!! How dare I ask her to do that? PFFFT. Need to have a talk with her, but I'm still SO relieved to be back home!
We're integrating Jynx with Dove, Cinder, Zierra, and Eve this weekend...should have some fun stories! So far we've had all of them together in the paddck except Eve - she cornered Jynx in the paddok at Betty's once and it was a hard time to get her off her! So we plan to turn Jynx out with Dove after walking her around the fenceline a couple times, add Cinder after a couple hours, then Zierra. Halfway through the day toss Eve in and hope Jynx remembers where the fence was while they sort their shit out. They've all stared at each other for 2 weeks now, been introduced for a couple hours in the paddok twice this week...whatever's left to sort out can be done in the big pasture! We'll have Justus and Flika to go round them up if someone breaks out...*thinks positive thoughts* CRAP.
OMG Eve struck out with her front leg at Niki when she was introducing the clippers! I shanked her hard about 4 times and made her back up a ways, took the clippers and went right back at it - rubbing it on her neck and flicking it on and off...stood fine so I called it a day. Would like to do more with her tomorrow on that...just have to watch her tootsies. I don't think she's a striker per se, was just a violent reaction to something scary. I hear you, what's the difference? I just don't think it was an intentional act to get Niki so much as an "OMFG GIT" scared moment. Either way it'll take out my knee so I have to do something about it, I just don't see it being a recurring probem.
I got my new saddle today!!! I bought Wendy's brand new english package from her for $350. Includes all purpose saddle, bright red blanket, stirups, leathers, and MASSIVE bridal! I have to go pick up a couple bits though...one for Eve and one for Flika. Her's was moved onto a blue bridal for Jynx but I think it was Niki's bit anyway so no harm in having extras. I was using Dove's just to let Eve get the feel of the bit, but after further examination it's HUGE in her 2 year old mouth! I think it might be big on Dove too! Anyway, need to restock.
Well, that's all for tonight...will update after the weekend, if I remember! We'll see!
Shay-la
We're integrating Jynx with Dove, Cinder, Zierra, and Eve this weekend...should have some fun stories! So far we've had all of them together in the paddck except Eve - she cornered Jynx in the paddok at Betty's once and it was a hard time to get her off her! So we plan to turn Jynx out with Dove after walking her around the fenceline a couple times, add Cinder after a couple hours, then Zierra. Halfway through the day toss Eve in and hope Jynx remembers where the fence was while they sort their shit out. They've all stared at each other for 2 weeks now, been introduced for a couple hours in the paddok twice this week...whatever's left to sort out can be done in the big pasture! We'll have Justus and Flika to go round them up if someone breaks out...*thinks positive thoughts* CRAP.
OMG Eve struck out with her front leg at Niki when she was introducing the clippers! I shanked her hard about 4 times and made her back up a ways, took the clippers and went right back at it - rubbing it on her neck and flicking it on and off...stood fine so I called it a day. Would like to do more with her tomorrow on that...just have to watch her tootsies. I don't think she's a striker per se, was just a violent reaction to something scary. I hear you, what's the difference? I just don't think it was an intentional act to get Niki so much as an "OMFG GIT" scared moment. Either way it'll take out my knee so I have to do something about it, I just don't see it being a recurring probem.
I got my new saddle today!!! I bought Wendy's brand new english package from her for $350. Includes all purpose saddle, bright red blanket, stirups, leathers, and MASSIVE bridal! I have to go pick up a couple bits though...one for Eve and one for Flika. Her's was moved onto a blue bridal for Jynx but I think it was Niki's bit anyway so no harm in having extras. I was using Dove's just to let Eve get the feel of the bit, but after further examination it's HUGE in her 2 year old mouth! I think it might be big on Dove too! Anyway, need to restock.
Well, that's all for tonight...will update after the weekend, if I remember! We'll see!
Shay-la
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Moving the Mares
We moved the horses last weekend...what a nightmare. I suppose overall it wasn't THAT bad, but ugh...please no. Niki and I have already agreed that any hauling from here on before we get our 4 horse stock trailer will be done by hired drivers. Most likely Bird's Hill Ranch guys...lots of experience and kick ass rig. Sign me up!
Anyway, Niki and her dad went to get the trailer with the truck and Ashley and I went to the farm to gather all our horse stuff and haul it up the driveway, and get ponies ready. Well the trailer had a flat tire so Niki's dad, bless him, changed it and filled the tires on the way to the farm. Ashley and I had everything ready and horses on lead ropes standing at the end of the driveway. They pull up and Niki goes to load Zierra first.
Now, you have to understand the level of FUCKTARD the guy that designed this trailer was...not only was it almost IDENTICAL to our trailer that we know they hate, but it was twice as long and twice as dark/scary. Zierra took the first step into the trailer, which was nearly THREE FEET off the ground, and hauled ass backwards. Pulled a Szerina, if you will, but without the head bashing. Probably because she wouldn't get in far enough to hit the roof in the first place. We did everything but light her tail on fire to get her in, including what looked like a "cowboy beating" with the chain end of a lead...
So NEXT, we try Justus. Bless her pony stupidity she wasn't focussed on how long the trailer was, just the GIANT step up in front of her! So after weaving and looking at it for 20 seconds she stepped up and in...once in she balked once but walked the rest of the plank no problem. I tied her in, got the butt-bar (yes, bar...not rope or chain), and closed the divider door.
We go back to Zierra...get Niki's dad to haul on her head using the center divider as leverage, and Niki and I each with a shoulder on either side of her ass...after a few good heaves she pops up and casually walks to the front past Niki's dad. LOL seriously horse, I understand why you HATE this thing, but the cool pizazz attitude once IN is just irritating! If you're going to be dumb and play scared, play it to the end at least...it's like she gives you this look after she's desided the trailer's ok that says "ha ha, fooled you" and then she's all cool and calm...jackass.
Anyway, those two are in and now it's Eve's turn. Heh. She watched those two...doesn't look like a fun place to be. We started easy and just encouraged her, tried tapping herbutt with a leadope, Niki gave a shove on her butt...but it came down to Niki's dad on her head same as with Zierra, I put a lead around her left front pasturn and hand lifted her leg to step up with the lead just to keep it there, and Niki and I pretended to be tough and linked arms behind her and literally HEAVED her in. LOL I felt so strong after...but Clydy or not she's still only a 2 year old! She was in within 5 minutes and we were locked and loaded. Filled the car with saddles, the truck with the bins and crap and we on the road shortly after.
I followed in my car with Ashley because the tiny cab seats behind the driver in the truck cab didn't appeal to me...so Niki went with her dad in the truck. We get to the end of my road so I call Betty to tell her we're on our way...and I see brake lights and the trailer rocking.
OMG.
NOT AGAIN.
Seriously, Betty answered and this is what I said, "Hey Betty, it's Shay-la, just calling to let you know we're on our waaaaaa....hold on...holy fuck...maybe not gotta go bye..." CLICK. Poor Betty was probably worried because I didn't call her back!
Turned out Justus hauled back on her lead and BENT the metal butt-bar AND divider door! We had to lift the door off it's hinges to get Justus out! Anyway, Niki opened the back escape door first thinking it was probably Eve...nothing, she's standing fine. I get there when she opens the front escape door and Justus was literally in the process of shitting her pants and shaking terrified. We don't know what spooked her but holy dammit pony has some power!
So we close the door again and start moving...didn't stop other than turning until we got to Betty's. The rest of the drive was flawless. Once at Betty's I take Eve out first and that's fine, get Zierra out all good, lift the door off Justus' stall and get her out and she SCREAMS at the Welsh Pony stallion. Awesome...pony's in her first heat. I ended up letting Ashley walk Eve and I took Justus because she was being a cow. Put them in their new paddock and realise the fence is/has literally fallen apart. We stayed an extra 2-3 hours to fix their fencing. Isn't this why I left the farm?!
Bah...so far this place is questionable and Niki and I already have a plan to bring the horses back in a couple months. Give it a month or two to settle in and if it's still bunk, take them back. There's two idiots there too...first impressions stick and neither of them even said hello. And that's after I walked up saying, "nice filly, will she be ok if I walk past with this?" I was carting a 2 level saddle rack. She said, "Actually, yeah..." and made me put it outside the barn and wait until she was done standing in there! Then she was trying to lunge the completely and obviously clueless yearling on a lead rope. She nearly got kicked in the head at least 3 times. Whatever...not my horse, not my problem.
Well, it's getting late now and I work in the morning...going to head to bed!
Nite
Shay-la
Anyway, Niki and her dad went to get the trailer with the truck and Ashley and I went to the farm to gather all our horse stuff and haul it up the driveway, and get ponies ready. Well the trailer had a flat tire so Niki's dad, bless him, changed it and filled the tires on the way to the farm. Ashley and I had everything ready and horses on lead ropes standing at the end of the driveway. They pull up and Niki goes to load Zierra first.
Now, you have to understand the level of FUCKTARD the guy that designed this trailer was...not only was it almost IDENTICAL to our trailer that we know they hate, but it was twice as long and twice as dark/scary. Zierra took the first step into the trailer, which was nearly THREE FEET off the ground, and hauled ass backwards. Pulled a Szerina, if you will, but without the head bashing. Probably because she wouldn't get in far enough to hit the roof in the first place. We did everything but light her tail on fire to get her in, including what looked like a "cowboy beating" with the chain end of a lead...
So NEXT, we try Justus. Bless her pony stupidity she wasn't focussed on how long the trailer was, just the GIANT step up in front of her! So after weaving and looking at it for 20 seconds she stepped up and in...once in she balked once but walked the rest of the plank no problem. I tied her in, got the butt-bar (yes, bar...not rope or chain), and closed the divider door.
We go back to Zierra...get Niki's dad to haul on her head using the center divider as leverage, and Niki and I each with a shoulder on either side of her ass...after a few good heaves she pops up and casually walks to the front past Niki's dad. LOL seriously horse, I understand why you HATE this thing, but the cool pizazz attitude once IN is just irritating! If you're going to be dumb and play scared, play it to the end at least...it's like she gives you this look after she's desided the trailer's ok that says "ha ha, fooled you" and then she's all cool and calm...jackass.
Anyway, those two are in and now it's Eve's turn. Heh. She watched those two...doesn't look like a fun place to be. We started easy and just encouraged her, tried tapping herbutt with a leadope, Niki gave a shove on her butt...but it came down to Niki's dad on her head same as with Zierra, I put a lead around her left front pasturn and hand lifted her leg to step up with the lead just to keep it there, and Niki and I pretended to be tough and linked arms behind her and literally HEAVED her in. LOL I felt so strong after...but Clydy or not she's still only a 2 year old! She was in within 5 minutes and we were locked and loaded. Filled the car with saddles, the truck with the bins and crap and we on the road shortly after.
I followed in my car with Ashley because the tiny cab seats behind the driver in the truck cab didn't appeal to me...so Niki went with her dad in the truck. We get to the end of my road so I call Betty to tell her we're on our way...and I see brake lights and the trailer rocking.
OMG.
NOT AGAIN.
Seriously, Betty answered and this is what I said, "Hey Betty, it's Shay-la, just calling to let you know we're on our waaaaaa....hold on...holy fuck...maybe not gotta go bye..." CLICK. Poor Betty was probably worried because I didn't call her back!
Turned out Justus hauled back on her lead and BENT the metal butt-bar AND divider door! We had to lift the door off it's hinges to get Justus out! Anyway, Niki opened the back escape door first thinking it was probably Eve...nothing, she's standing fine. I get there when she opens the front escape door and Justus was literally in the process of shitting her pants and shaking terrified. We don't know what spooked her but holy dammit pony has some power!
So we close the door again and start moving...didn't stop other than turning until we got to Betty's. The rest of the drive was flawless. Once at Betty's I take Eve out first and that's fine, get Zierra out all good, lift the door off Justus' stall and get her out and she SCREAMS at the Welsh Pony stallion. Awesome...pony's in her first heat. I ended up letting Ashley walk Eve and I took Justus because she was being a cow. Put them in their new paddock and realise the fence is/has literally fallen apart. We stayed an extra 2-3 hours to fix their fencing. Isn't this why I left the farm?!
Bah...so far this place is questionable and Niki and I already have a plan to bring the horses back in a couple months. Give it a month or two to settle in and if it's still bunk, take them back. There's two idiots there too...first impressions stick and neither of them even said hello. And that's after I walked up saying, "nice filly, will she be ok if I walk past with this?" I was carting a 2 level saddle rack. She said, "Actually, yeah..." and made me put it outside the barn and wait until she was done standing in there! Then she was trying to lunge the completely and obviously clueless yearling on a lead rope. She nearly got kicked in the head at least 3 times. Whatever...not my horse, not my problem.
Well, it's getting late now and I work in the morning...going to head to bed!
Nite
Shay-la
Friday, March 27, 2009
So shit hit the fan...but as usually, I'm the one throwing the shit so I guess I can't complain.
Since the whole mad thing with Bradey happened, I can't sit nex to him without sweaty palms and twitchy legs. I just can't get comfortable around him whether we're with people or alone...
So today I told him sorry, I guess I'm just not cut out for this, but it's over. Now he's on some rampage where he won't give back the $130 gold ring I gave him because I can't find one of his shitty old sweaters...aparently it has sentimental value. OH YEAH, and he wants the new PBR sweater he bought me for my birthday a little over a week ago. I told him to just hawk the ring for the PBR and fucked if I know where the other one is. He's not taking it though...he NEEDS that old white sweater back...like his life depends on it man!
Whatever...I searched high and low both at the farm and the apartment, Moki checked the car and trunk...this thing grew legs and is GONE. I don't care...fuck it. Keep the stupid ring. And go knit yourself a new sweater because I don't fucking have it! My bet is that it's at the bottom of his own damn closet and he forgot...
that's all for tonight...
Later
Since the whole mad thing with Bradey happened, I can't sit nex to him without sweaty palms and twitchy legs. I just can't get comfortable around him whether we're with people or alone...
So today I told him sorry, I guess I'm just not cut out for this, but it's over. Now he's on some rampage where he won't give back the $130 gold ring I gave him because I can't find one of his shitty old sweaters...aparently it has sentimental value. OH YEAH, and he wants the new PBR sweater he bought me for my birthday a little over a week ago. I told him to just hawk the ring for the PBR and fucked if I know where the other one is. He's not taking it though...he NEEDS that old white sweater back...like his life depends on it man!
Whatever...I searched high and low both at the farm and the apartment, Moki checked the car and trunk...this thing grew legs and is GONE. I don't care...fuck it. Keep the stupid ring. And go knit yourself a new sweater because I don't fucking have it! My bet is that it's at the bottom of his own damn closet and he forgot...
that's all for tonight...
Later
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Crazy Weekend...
Not quite the birthday weekend I expected, but could always be worse.
Friday I worked, nothing special...
Saturday I worked til 2pm, picked up Ashley and Niki and went to the farm. I was a little put off at first about how plans were made since it was my birthday Sunday and they were the ones riding...but Niki came and helped a bunch for the hard part before they left and I needed to finish the second strand on the pasture. Plus I had nobody to ride...Flika and Zierra are out with leg owwies, Cinder's back is screwed, and Eve's only 2 and untrained. I'm sure I could have doubled on Dove, but I had crap to finish...then we went back to the apartment and had a cooler, then over to Pro Bull Riding (PBR) which was like a 3 block walk from the apartment. Bradey came with us and it was really fun! Rode the mechanical bull before we went in to watch and after my ride the guy at the table told me about some cometition they have at a local bar - said there's a king and queen every month or something, said I should give it a shot! Made my day...Betty came with us too, that's where we're bringing all the horses. She's really nice, and one of her boarders came. Afterwards we went back to the apartment for "girl's night" and I guess I wasn't clear on that part because Bradey stayed til 1am...not like I'm going to kick him out. Plus the one cooler I had turned my stomach something aweful! I wasn't in a drinking mood anymore...anyway, he went home and we all went to bed shortly after.
Today we got out to the farm at noon and holy crap, looking back now I got ALOT of shit done! I finished the second strand, complete with 2 gates, walked the entire fenceline of all the pastures and round pens, spent over an hour trying to get the big pasture hot but failed, dragged over the huge palate for under the tire in the round pen for Justus, Flika, and Mini Man, carried the tub over on my back from the paddock, AND we tarped the hay...was solid hours of chores with maybe 2, 15 minute breaks. I'm sore now...but it was worth it.
Tomorrow I plan to take down some of the extra strands on the big pasture and tighten the cable wire. I'm looking forward to being finished with this stupid fence! I want it all done RIGHT so that if something stops working, it'll be obvious because it's not that crap yellow braid wire and all the insulators are new...no extra pieces or splicing to worry about.
I hate to say it but Flika is screwed...my mom's never letting her in the big pasture. Ever. She escapes from everything...I can't really blame my mom, but that's no life for her. At least now she'll have Mini Manas a companion instead of being the loner horse in the round pen. She'll be in there with him for a couple weeks, maybe a month until this water drains off the farm, then back into the paddock together. Dove and Cinder get the big pasture.
More and more as I'm thinking about buying this wagon to teach the horses to pull, I'm thinking I should see if Cinder will go well in it. It's no actual weight on her back and that's what hurts...carrying me and my saddle on her sore spot. Wonder if the small 2 man cart with me in it would put similar weight on her? I don't want to hurt her, but if I can find a way to still use her and cause no pain, then I can still spend so much time with her...I've been just grooming her a couple times a week lately and she's loving it...might try ground driving her a little bit tomorrow too and see what she thinks. Might not though because it's supposed to rain...we'll see how bitchy mother nature is when we get there.
Well, enough typing for one night...later!
Friday I worked, nothing special...
Saturday I worked til 2pm, picked up Ashley and Niki and went to the farm. I was a little put off at first about how plans were made since it was my birthday Sunday and they were the ones riding...but Niki came and helped a bunch for the hard part before they left and I needed to finish the second strand on the pasture. Plus I had nobody to ride...Flika and Zierra are out with leg owwies, Cinder's back is screwed, and Eve's only 2 and untrained. I'm sure I could have doubled on Dove, but I had crap to finish...then we went back to the apartment and had a cooler, then over to Pro Bull Riding (PBR) which was like a 3 block walk from the apartment. Bradey came with us and it was really fun! Rode the mechanical bull before we went in to watch and after my ride the guy at the table told me about some cometition they have at a local bar - said there's a king and queen every month or something, said I should give it a shot! Made my day...Betty came with us too, that's where we're bringing all the horses. She's really nice, and one of her boarders came. Afterwards we went back to the apartment for "girl's night" and I guess I wasn't clear on that part because Bradey stayed til 1am...not like I'm going to kick him out. Plus the one cooler I had turned my stomach something aweful! I wasn't in a drinking mood anymore...anyway, he went home and we all went to bed shortly after.
Today we got out to the farm at noon and holy crap, looking back now I got ALOT of shit done! I finished the second strand, complete with 2 gates, walked the entire fenceline of all the pastures and round pens, spent over an hour trying to get the big pasture hot but failed, dragged over the huge palate for under the tire in the round pen for Justus, Flika, and Mini Man, carried the tub over on my back from the paddock, AND we tarped the hay...was solid hours of chores with maybe 2, 15 minute breaks. I'm sore now...but it was worth it.
Tomorrow I plan to take down some of the extra strands on the big pasture and tighten the cable wire. I'm looking forward to being finished with this stupid fence! I want it all done RIGHT so that if something stops working, it'll be obvious because it's not that crap yellow braid wire and all the insulators are new...no extra pieces or splicing to worry about.
I hate to say it but Flika is screwed...my mom's never letting her in the big pasture. Ever. She escapes from everything...I can't really blame my mom, but that's no life for her. At least now she'll have Mini Manas a companion instead of being the loner horse in the round pen. She'll be in there with him for a couple weeks, maybe a month until this water drains off the farm, then back into the paddock together. Dove and Cinder get the big pasture.
More and more as I'm thinking about buying this wagon to teach the horses to pull, I'm thinking I should see if Cinder will go well in it. It's no actual weight on her back and that's what hurts...carrying me and my saddle on her sore spot. Wonder if the small 2 man cart with me in it would put similar weight on her? I don't want to hurt her, but if I can find a way to still use her and cause no pain, then I can still spend so much time with her...I've been just grooming her a couple times a week lately and she's loving it...might try ground driving her a little bit tomorrow too and see what she thinks. Might not though because it's supposed to rain...we'll see how bitchy mother nature is when we get there.
Well, enough typing for one night...later!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Since my last post I talked to Bradey and we've smoothed things over. We love each other and I'd feel stupid throwing that away over one misunderstanding. Had he understood my letter and still reacted that way it would be another story...but if he honestly didn't get what I had written, then I think it's worth another shot.
Onto other news...
This month is Ashley's and my birthdays. We're 3 days apart so we were going to have a combined birthday party :) well my gift was a big secret and stayed that way until I gave it to her today...I told her Niki and I were staying at the farm lastnight so she would need her mom to drive her out today. Her mom said she and some other people had to be somewhere for 12:30 so she was being dropped off at noon...they pulled halfway down the driveway and everyone unloaded...Niki started video taping same as Ashley's mom so she kinda knew something was up...
I've never actually seen the facial expression "OMFG" before today.
I walked out from behind the garage and into Ashley's view to present her with her new, decked out in pink, pony. Justus is all hers and I'm happy to home her with Ashley. I honestly don't know of anyone that will love that pony as much as, if not more, than I do. I didn't want to sell Justus and lose her so this seems like a PERFECT solution! I'm able to help Ashley's dreamscome true in owning her first horse AND stay connected with my baby! Best of both worlds...I'm seriously on cloud 9 right now, as I'm sure Ashley is as well...
Well, that's all for today...
Onto other news...
This month is Ashley's and my birthdays. We're 3 days apart so we were going to have a combined birthday party :) well my gift was a big secret and stayed that way until I gave it to her today...I told her Niki and I were staying at the farm lastnight so she would need her mom to drive her out today. Her mom said she and some other people had to be somewhere for 12:30 so she was being dropped off at noon...they pulled halfway down the driveway and everyone unloaded...Niki started video taping same as Ashley's mom so she kinda knew something was up...
I've never actually seen the facial expression "OMFG" before today.
I walked out from behind the garage and into Ashley's view to present her with her new, decked out in pink, pony. Justus is all hers and I'm happy to home her with Ashley. I honestly don't know of anyone that will love that pony as much as, if not more, than I do. I didn't want to sell Justus and lose her so this seems like a PERFECT solution! I'm able to help Ashley's dreamscome true in owning her first horse AND stay connected with my baby! Best of both worlds...I'm seriously on cloud 9 right now, as I'm sure Ashley is as well...
Well, that's all for today...
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Well it's over...
I chose it too...after what he's shown me of himself in the last couple days, I don't want my forever to be like that. I didn't sign up for adult temper tantrums, pouting, and yelling.
Not much more to say really...just figured I'd update since my last entry was about my letter to him. I have yet to really write about Eve or the latest about Cinder...but I'm not exactly in a typing mood right now.
To be honest, I'm feeling my first urges to cut in a LONG time. But I know Moki's in the room next to me and will thoroughly kick my ass if I do so...yeah...none for me!
I chose it too...after what he's shown me of himself in the last couple days, I don't want my forever to be like that. I didn't sign up for adult temper tantrums, pouting, and yelling.
Not much more to say really...just figured I'd update since my last entry was about my letter to him. I have yet to really write about Eve or the latest about Cinder...but I'm not exactly in a typing mood right now.
To be honest, I'm feeling my first urges to cut in a LONG time. But I know Moki's in the room next to me and will thoroughly kick my ass if I do so...yeah...none for me!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
K I'm sorry but this is a "What The Fuck?!" entry...
So I have communication issues. When I get frazzled or worked up, talking is not my strong suit so no matter who it's to I usually will write a letter to them to let them know how I'm feeling. Well lately I've been a bit frazzled with Bradey so following my own footsteps I wrote him a long letter...please read...also please ignore the lack of english skills...the one I wrote was well spaced and paragraphed but apparently copy and paste doesn't allow for grammar! And I'm too lazy to go through the whole thing to fix it...well maybe I'll make the paragraphs LOL
Hey Pookie,
I have no idea why but I'm really struggling with opening up to you lately. There seems to be no ryme or reason, I just get really nervous...so letters seem to work in letting you know what I have to say. I know I'm wierd, oddly enough I write letters to my mom and Niki when I get stressed about things too so I should be getting used to it by now.Anyway, I'll start off with what's on my mind most lately...sexy time. Everybody looks for what they need in life no matter what it is. Thus far you've provided most everything for me but sometimes I worry that I can't do the same for you. As I'm sure you've noticed, our sexy time has been drastically cut...yes I've been able to be more comfortable with you most of the time, but I still have no sex drive.
In the beginning I tried every time you wanted so that I could force my body to adjust, make it see that your hand wouldn't hurt me - it was so often at first because I wasn't comfortable. I was anxious and nervous...but I've been able to push past that. In doing so I had hoped that I would start to build a mental and physical sexual desire as well as work past some of my issues...well at least I got one of the two. I felt as if our relationship had become sex driven because while Daryl was away I was staying there 4-5 nights a week and we were intimate 2-3 of those nights. I kinda cut it back to 2-3 nights a week and we had sex almost every time. This made me edgy and unable to enjoy our time together because all I could think about was to keep breathing and try to relax and keep calm, knowing sexual advances would be made. Once I was starting to feel comfortable with sex, I felt I had no reason to say no. Then Daryl came back and I already explained how hearing footsteps will set me off...just knowing someone's home is enough to not let me relax sometimes.
Back to the point of my blurb - I feel as if my lack of sex drive and inability to crave it will eventually make you resent me. For not wanting it, which is no fault of your own, but all the same something you would have to live with. I'm just saying I know for a fact that your need for sex is WAY stronger than mine and I don't know how to change that. I've worked past being twitchy and hyperventilating, but I have NO idea how to increase whatever it is that makes you want it.
To be honest, I feel inadequate. As if I can't provide what you need...I can't have sex on a nightly or even every second night basis or it will consume my mind and make me edgy...but after a few nights without I know you'll want to and it makes me nervous still. I don't know how to explain it...this is why I stayed single for so long! Sex is a huge deal to any guy...comes with having a penis...but I find it only fair that you know now before we get any more serious that I will never have a strong sex drive...can you live with that?
There's so much more on my mind but my laptop's fan has been going for nearly 15 minutes and I swear if it shuts down now I'll never get this out...so I'm going to send this note, type the next one, and hope you understand.
Love you,
Shay-la
Part 2:
I really think I'll be able to relax more when I know there's nobody else home...like I was not only able to relax but really enjoy it when you had the house to yourself! That being said, I do enjoy sex once we're in the moment - it's the leading up to it and not knowing what to really do that gets me. I can count on 2 hands how many times I was intimate with ANYONE before you...only 3 parteners. So anything I know is mostly from you and even then I'm still trying to figure things out!
Speaking of living together...this is another big thing that's been on my mind alot lately. I do think we're ready to take it to the next step and live together...but I think we'd be jumping the gun in BUYING a house together this soon. I love you dearly, but there's no reason to rush. If you'd like to buy a seperate farm and live there then I'm happy to let you buy it and live there with you, but if we're moving a house onto my mom's property, I insist that I buy it. I'm not saying anything bad will happen, I hope I'm with you til I die...but that's like 60 years from now and alot can happen in that time.
I really hope you don't take offense to this because I mean none. It was the same thing with my uncle's place in BC...I see NO reason to rush into that! We've only been dating almost 8 months now and that's hella fast to go from "hi my name's..." to signing the dotted line on a shared mortgage. I hope you see my point. I think this is the only area I've felt our age difference. You are 110% ready to buy a house and move to BC and do all these things...whereas I'm just looking at my possibilities here. Yes the mountains are amazing and I'd love to own a little farm there, but realistically at this point in my life, I can't afford that. If I buy a trailer and move it onto mom's property for a year or two I MIGHT save enough money for a downpayment on half of a townhouse in BC...at that point we can put all our money together and see what we can afford in BC. Again, I hope you can see where I'm coming from...
Honestly, I think I'm just getting "cold feet" so to speak...I can't even express how I FEEL without being nervous so yeah, buying a house with ANYONE at this point scares the crap out of me. I realise I should've said this alot sooner, but better late than never. I suck at communicating...ask anyone that knows me. I'll let little things slide until it becomes an avalanche and squashes me from stress...then I'll explode for no reason. I'm really hoping that sharing all this with you will both prevent that and make you see why I've been a touch standoff-ish lately. I just had no idea where or how to start saying what I wanted to. Even tonight on the phone, there was at least 3 silences where I could've gone "oh by the way" but didn't...writing has just always been my strong suit, hence why i have a journal dating back to 2000.
There's just so much that we still don't know about each other...and when we do share time it's in front of the tv, sex, or sleeping...we need to find an us thing. Something we can both do comfortably together and talk throughout it. even something as simple as walking the dog around the block before settling down and watching a thing on tv before bed...I think my babbling has informed you of nearly EVERYTHING I've done in my life but I still don't know what your favorite color is.
The only thing I don't like about writing to tell someone my thoughts is that I have no clue what your reaction is. You could be sitting there mad as hell and cursing, or lean back and say "oh...well that explains a little..." I simply don't know. A responce would help with that - be it a reply on here or a phone call to talk about it or wait until I'm over next, I don't care how...but I do need some feedback on this. Either I'm being silly and worrying over nothing or I have some valid fears over getting in over my head way too soon in any given relationship. I realise this is alot of heavy shit, but read it a couple times...let it all register and get back to me.
Keep in mind that I didn't re-read what I've written, I'm typing as fast as I can so as not to allow myself to hit delete and keep it hidden. This would be the next running point but I really do love you with everything I have and want to try breaking down my walls to see us together. I meant what I said about our promise rings - when I'm ready to by a house with someone, marry, and possibly have kids, I want it to be with you. I love you more than anything Bradey...
Shay-la
OK so now that you all know my deepest thoughts about the Bradey and I scenario, here's his "thoughtful" reply...
ya you should have told me sooner, and not lead me on like this, and sorry i can't wait, i don't have the option.THanks
I'm sorry but umm...WHAT?! I don't even have words to type here because I'm in shock. I share my feelings and not only did he get upset that I wrote them instead of just spoke to him, but he tells me he can't wait!? That sounds like an ultimatum to me...so I texted him and asked wtf? He said it's not a situation where if I don't buy a house with him we're done, but that's what it feels like. Then he said something about what would happen if he moved to BC...I felt like saying go the fuck ahead! I'm not the prissy gf that's going to cry and beg you to stay! You want to leave, LEAVE then! That's your call...do what you have to do...but I'm not able to go with you. I'm taking steps to take care of my mom before I skip this province in a COUPLE YEARS FROM NOW. Maybe up to 5 years before I can afford anything decent out west! I'm not going to jump into it blindly and hope for the best, that reaks of disaster!
Anyway, that's my blog for tonight...might have more to wrote later but my laptop is very warm! LOL later!
So I have communication issues. When I get frazzled or worked up, talking is not my strong suit so no matter who it's to I usually will write a letter to them to let them know how I'm feeling. Well lately I've been a bit frazzled with Bradey so following my own footsteps I wrote him a long letter...please read...also please ignore the lack of english skills...the one I wrote was well spaced and paragraphed but apparently copy and paste doesn't allow for grammar! And I'm too lazy to go through the whole thing to fix it...well maybe I'll make the paragraphs LOL
Hey Pookie,
I have no idea why but I'm really struggling with opening up to you lately. There seems to be no ryme or reason, I just get really nervous...so letters seem to work in letting you know what I have to say. I know I'm wierd, oddly enough I write letters to my mom and Niki when I get stressed about things too so I should be getting used to it by now.Anyway, I'll start off with what's on my mind most lately...sexy time. Everybody looks for what they need in life no matter what it is. Thus far you've provided most everything for me but sometimes I worry that I can't do the same for you. As I'm sure you've noticed, our sexy time has been drastically cut...yes I've been able to be more comfortable with you most of the time, but I still have no sex drive.
In the beginning I tried every time you wanted so that I could force my body to adjust, make it see that your hand wouldn't hurt me - it was so often at first because I wasn't comfortable. I was anxious and nervous...but I've been able to push past that. In doing so I had hoped that I would start to build a mental and physical sexual desire as well as work past some of my issues...well at least I got one of the two. I felt as if our relationship had become sex driven because while Daryl was away I was staying there 4-5 nights a week and we were intimate 2-3 of those nights. I kinda cut it back to 2-3 nights a week and we had sex almost every time. This made me edgy and unable to enjoy our time together because all I could think about was to keep breathing and try to relax and keep calm, knowing sexual advances would be made. Once I was starting to feel comfortable with sex, I felt I had no reason to say no. Then Daryl came back and I already explained how hearing footsteps will set me off...just knowing someone's home is enough to not let me relax sometimes.
Back to the point of my blurb - I feel as if my lack of sex drive and inability to crave it will eventually make you resent me. For not wanting it, which is no fault of your own, but all the same something you would have to live with. I'm just saying I know for a fact that your need for sex is WAY stronger than mine and I don't know how to change that. I've worked past being twitchy and hyperventilating, but I have NO idea how to increase whatever it is that makes you want it.
To be honest, I feel inadequate. As if I can't provide what you need...I can't have sex on a nightly or even every second night basis or it will consume my mind and make me edgy...but after a few nights without I know you'll want to and it makes me nervous still. I don't know how to explain it...this is why I stayed single for so long! Sex is a huge deal to any guy...comes with having a penis...but I find it only fair that you know now before we get any more serious that I will never have a strong sex drive...can you live with that?
There's so much more on my mind but my laptop's fan has been going for nearly 15 minutes and I swear if it shuts down now I'll never get this out...so I'm going to send this note, type the next one, and hope you understand.
Love you,
Shay-la
Part 2:
I really think I'll be able to relax more when I know there's nobody else home...like I was not only able to relax but really enjoy it when you had the house to yourself! That being said, I do enjoy sex once we're in the moment - it's the leading up to it and not knowing what to really do that gets me. I can count on 2 hands how many times I was intimate with ANYONE before you...only 3 parteners. So anything I know is mostly from you and even then I'm still trying to figure things out!
Speaking of living together...this is another big thing that's been on my mind alot lately. I do think we're ready to take it to the next step and live together...but I think we'd be jumping the gun in BUYING a house together this soon. I love you dearly, but there's no reason to rush. If you'd like to buy a seperate farm and live there then I'm happy to let you buy it and live there with you, but if we're moving a house onto my mom's property, I insist that I buy it. I'm not saying anything bad will happen, I hope I'm with you til I die...but that's like 60 years from now and alot can happen in that time.
I really hope you don't take offense to this because I mean none. It was the same thing with my uncle's place in BC...I see NO reason to rush into that! We've only been dating almost 8 months now and that's hella fast to go from "hi my name's..." to signing the dotted line on a shared mortgage. I hope you see my point. I think this is the only area I've felt our age difference. You are 110% ready to buy a house and move to BC and do all these things...whereas I'm just looking at my possibilities here. Yes the mountains are amazing and I'd love to own a little farm there, but realistically at this point in my life, I can't afford that. If I buy a trailer and move it onto mom's property for a year or two I MIGHT save enough money for a downpayment on half of a townhouse in BC...at that point we can put all our money together and see what we can afford in BC. Again, I hope you can see where I'm coming from...
Honestly, I think I'm just getting "cold feet" so to speak...I can't even express how I FEEL without being nervous so yeah, buying a house with ANYONE at this point scares the crap out of me. I realise I should've said this alot sooner, but better late than never. I suck at communicating...ask anyone that knows me. I'll let little things slide until it becomes an avalanche and squashes me from stress...then I'll explode for no reason. I'm really hoping that sharing all this with you will both prevent that and make you see why I've been a touch standoff-ish lately. I just had no idea where or how to start saying what I wanted to. Even tonight on the phone, there was at least 3 silences where I could've gone "oh by the way" but didn't...writing has just always been my strong suit, hence why i have a journal dating back to 2000.
There's just so much that we still don't know about each other...and when we do share time it's in front of the tv, sex, or sleeping...we need to find an us thing. Something we can both do comfortably together and talk throughout it. even something as simple as walking the dog around the block before settling down and watching a thing on tv before bed...I think my babbling has informed you of nearly EVERYTHING I've done in my life but I still don't know what your favorite color is.
The only thing I don't like about writing to tell someone my thoughts is that I have no clue what your reaction is. You could be sitting there mad as hell and cursing, or lean back and say "oh...well that explains a little..." I simply don't know. A responce would help with that - be it a reply on here or a phone call to talk about it or wait until I'm over next, I don't care how...but I do need some feedback on this. Either I'm being silly and worrying over nothing or I have some valid fears over getting in over my head way too soon in any given relationship. I realise this is alot of heavy shit, but read it a couple times...let it all register and get back to me.
Keep in mind that I didn't re-read what I've written, I'm typing as fast as I can so as not to allow myself to hit delete and keep it hidden. This would be the next running point but I really do love you with everything I have and want to try breaking down my walls to see us together. I meant what I said about our promise rings - when I'm ready to by a house with someone, marry, and possibly have kids, I want it to be with you. I love you more than anything Bradey...
Shay-la
OK so now that you all know my deepest thoughts about the Bradey and I scenario, here's his "thoughtful" reply...
ya you should have told me sooner, and not lead me on like this, and sorry i can't wait, i don't have the option.THanks
I'm sorry but umm...WHAT?! I don't even have words to type here because I'm in shock. I share my feelings and not only did he get upset that I wrote them instead of just spoke to him, but he tells me he can't wait!? That sounds like an ultimatum to me...so I texted him and asked wtf? He said it's not a situation where if I don't buy a house with him we're done, but that's what it feels like. Then he said something about what would happen if he moved to BC...I felt like saying go the fuck ahead! I'm not the prissy gf that's going to cry and beg you to stay! You want to leave, LEAVE then! That's your call...do what you have to do...but I'm not able to go with you. I'm taking steps to take care of my mom before I skip this province in a COUPLE YEARS FROM NOW. Maybe up to 5 years before I can afford anything decent out west! I'm not going to jump into it blindly and hope for the best, that reaks of disaster!
Anyway, that's my blog for tonight...might have more to wrote later but my laptop is very warm! LOL later!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
OK so I left off with my first job after graduating as a dental assistant...
I had hunted for a total of MAYBE 4 days before getting an on the spot interview at an office within a 5 minute drive from my apartment. I was thrilled when I was asked to return a couple hours later for the interview...I came back, Niki waited in the car and read because we were going to head to the farm afterwards, and the interview took over an hour! I swear that guy has NO friends because half of it wasn't even work related! In any case, I got the job and was asked to start the next day...
All I can say is that my welcome to hell sucked ass! I think I came home FUMING more times than not because this guy would literally pull me aside for 30-40 minutes at a time to rant about things that were unrelated to my job and duties...like how the front was booking people. I'm sorry, but go yell at them then!!! This went on for 2 exhausting months before he actually reduced me to tears from frustration...it was either I punch him, or I start crying and walk out. I opted to cry from the frustration and as I grabbed my jacket to leave he pleaded for me to stay and I started yelling. So the recpetionist at the time came running, hearing my loud abuse towards him and closed the door because there were patients in the chairs still...I really didn't care anymore. I let him have it. Told him to go find a therapist because I wasn't interested in his psycho-babble anymore, that he needed to get off his high horse and realise he DOES need help or he'd be running his own practise without staff, and that starting that day he had no assistant. The receptionist kicked him out and BEGGED me to finish the day because they were double booked and would have to surely cancel half their day without me...so I did, for her though. She wanted me to stay for the following day as well but no chance in hell. Sorry hun, but you should quit too!
I ended up leaving that practise in late October and stayed jobless through the trial...I'll do another post about that whole ordeal...but then started applying again and lucked out. I got a call from Northgate dental asking me to do a working interview. I was pumped, but scared because of my first experience with dentists...so I went and tried my hardest to do what I was taught, and within 3 hours the dentist I was working with told me I was hired. I was thrilled! Her name is Dr. Jay and she's the most wonderful person I've ever met...and I'm not just saying that because she's my boss, but when I honestly don't know something, she'll take the extra 5 minutes to teach me and I'll put the effort in to remember it for next time! I LOVE working with her! The only down side is that I'm only on term with her...so as of late July I'll be jobless again. She's trying to keep me on full time to work with her because she likes me too, but her last assistant is coming back from maturnity leave so it's not like she really gets a choice. I told her that if all she's able to do is keep me a couple days per week, I'll take it because I love working with her. I'll find a suppliment to my income somewhere else, just give me a couple solid days that I know I'm working with her and I'll work around that...to me, it's worth it. I've learned so much from her already and she's so willing to show me new things and explain them as we go. She's convinced that I should go back to school to be a dentist...apparently my understanding of teeth is more than it should be for just assisting. I can see overhangs and things that normal assistants would just ignore...
Anyway, time for dinner and I'll write more later!!!
I had hunted for a total of MAYBE 4 days before getting an on the spot interview at an office within a 5 minute drive from my apartment. I was thrilled when I was asked to return a couple hours later for the interview...I came back, Niki waited in the car and read because we were going to head to the farm afterwards, and the interview took over an hour! I swear that guy has NO friends because half of it wasn't even work related! In any case, I got the job and was asked to start the next day...
All I can say is that my welcome to hell sucked ass! I think I came home FUMING more times than not because this guy would literally pull me aside for 30-40 minutes at a time to rant about things that were unrelated to my job and duties...like how the front was booking people. I'm sorry, but go yell at them then!!! This went on for 2 exhausting months before he actually reduced me to tears from frustration...it was either I punch him, or I start crying and walk out. I opted to cry from the frustration and as I grabbed my jacket to leave he pleaded for me to stay and I started yelling. So the recpetionist at the time came running, hearing my loud abuse towards him and closed the door because there were patients in the chairs still...I really didn't care anymore. I let him have it. Told him to go find a therapist because I wasn't interested in his psycho-babble anymore, that he needed to get off his high horse and realise he DOES need help or he'd be running his own practise without staff, and that starting that day he had no assistant. The receptionist kicked him out and BEGGED me to finish the day because they were double booked and would have to surely cancel half their day without me...so I did, for her though. She wanted me to stay for the following day as well but no chance in hell. Sorry hun, but you should quit too!
I ended up leaving that practise in late October and stayed jobless through the trial...I'll do another post about that whole ordeal...but then started applying again and lucked out. I got a call from Northgate dental asking me to do a working interview. I was pumped, but scared because of my first experience with dentists...so I went and tried my hardest to do what I was taught, and within 3 hours the dentist I was working with told me I was hired. I was thrilled! Her name is Dr. Jay and she's the most wonderful person I've ever met...and I'm not just saying that because she's my boss, but when I honestly don't know something, she'll take the extra 5 minutes to teach me and I'll put the effort in to remember it for next time! I LOVE working with her! The only down side is that I'm only on term with her...so as of late July I'll be jobless again. She's trying to keep me on full time to work with her because she likes me too, but her last assistant is coming back from maturnity leave so it's not like she really gets a choice. I told her that if all she's able to do is keep me a couple days per week, I'll take it because I love working with her. I'll find a suppliment to my income somewhere else, just give me a couple solid days that I know I'm working with her and I'll work around that...to me, it's worth it. I've learned so much from her already and she's so willing to show me new things and explain them as we go. She's convinced that I should go back to school to be a dentist...apparently my understanding of teeth is more than it should be for just assisting. I can see overhangs and things that normal assistants would just ignore...
Anyway, time for dinner and I'll write more later!!!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
So I think I left off last time with coming home from BC and the farm being a mess...
I lived with my mom from when I got home in May 2006 until I moved out with my bestest friend Niki in October 2007. In that time I finished getting my GED through learning centers since the head honcho at the highschool deemed me pschotic after my episodes there through my teens...can't say as I blame him. I had to travel about an hour and a half every day to Winnipeg for my first two credits since I was too late to sign up in town 10 minutes from the farm...but got on there for one of my last two credits. I was dumb and somehow mixed up my courses and couldn't take the same one twice and have it count as two...so I ended up going back to the highschool and BEGGING for them to take me back for ONE credit and he still said no. I went straight to the source and explained my situation to the english teacher and she said to ignore the prncipal...just show up to her class twice a week and she'd sign the dotted line saying I completed the course. So, June 2007 I graduated highschool...I had promised Jenn I wouldn't quit and followed through with it. I was pissed at my mom though because for grad pics I wanted to wear my rings and I had done her dishes and left them beside the sink...she put them in a "safe" place and never found them for 7 months. Oh well, c'est la vie.
While doing that I had alot of work cut out for me...mom had let the fence get run into the ground. We have a 10 acre farm. That's ALOT of fence man!!! So I started by tweeking things to make it safe...tie up loose ends, fix busted posts, that sort of stuff. I also had alot of horse work to do! At that time we had Dove and Flika, Cinder and her two colts (Max, 3 years and Khodi, yearling), Shekhan Flika's filly (3 years old), Justus Dove's filly (2 years old), and Mini Man...all 3 boys were stallions. AWESOME!!! I had them all snipped within a couple weeks of being home! Sorry boys :) none for you! While I was away my mom did less than nothing in the way of handling any of these youngsters...joy! SO...I had 2, 3 year olds to start under saddle, a 2 year old to introduce new things to, AND a yearling that was scared of his own shadow. I started with Khodi first and got him desensatized...worked with him for about 4 months before selling him to a lady interested in english stuff and ended up pretty much GIVING him away for $250. I got more than that for my weanlings...but I had too many and he needed to go to someone who had the time. Then I forcussed on the 3 year olds...Shekhan I had started under saddle before I left so her tune up was easy...but I still hated that pony! Ended up selling her to a kid just for western trail riding and pleasure riding - stupid thing is that she's selling her in spring now because pony learned that if she acts up, the kid gets off. Whatever. Max was a little harder...he took patience. But his movement was amazing...seriously, you felt like you were on a horse the way he moved! For having such a short back, she was REALLY smooth! I wish he had been bigger...would've kept him! But I sold him to a lady with a 12 year old daughter, they're doing well now in pony club and apparently working towards small jumps! I'm happy with his placement.
Justus was my treasure...she always had been, since the moment she hit the ground. It KILLS me that she topped out at 14.1hh because she really is such a onderful and smart horse! But me being 5'10 I just feel so big on her. I know she can handle my weight, but my height throws us both off sometimes. I'm just blessed to have found such an awesome kid to lease her...she started riding with us last summer and handled Dove like a pro. Awesome seat and amazing balance...and took instruction like she'd thought of it. When I saw this, I saw stars as to how far she could take Justus and offered a lease with my pony. It's still going stong, had it's stare of bumps but stronger than ever now.
I think I went over what happened with Cinder in my last entry...how I sold her January of '08. After I'd finished highschool I spoke to my gramma about college...we agreed that if I found a course I liked then she'd pay for it with my inheritance money from my dad's death. I looked at a couple things but desided on dental assisting because it was one of my interests I guess, was a one year course, and it's something I can take with me wherever I go. Every city has dentists, every dentist needs an assistant. So I spoke to the college advisor and was enrolled to start in like 2 weeks! I didn't think it would all happen so fast but away I went! I have to say now, COLLEGE SUCKED BALLS! I was in a class of 19 where in the year I went the Dean and 2 of the dental teachers left, one of my teachers was diagnosed with breast cancer, AND we pretty much bought our diplomas. There were at LEAST 4 students in my class that should've failed just because of competancy tests being failed...but they passed them anyway because it would look bad on the school to have so many fail. Ick. BUT I worked hard and got through it, graduated in July of '08. After that I started working in an office but that'll be for my next entry...too much to type there! I ended up using friends and trickery to get Cinder back after I'd graduated. Wendy gave me the money and Niki used her powers of disguise to act as a buyer and trick the girl's mom into selling her. Her mom actually told Niki that "Shay-la is NOT to get ahold of this horse!" To which Niki muffled her laughter and agreed...in any case, she's home and I couldn't be happier.
I'm going to have to cut this one short and save work and Eve's purchase for next time because my laptop is REALLY hot right now and I don't want to lose everything I've typed already because it'll shut itself off when it overheats! Later!
I lived with my mom from when I got home in May 2006 until I moved out with my bestest friend Niki in October 2007. In that time I finished getting my GED through learning centers since the head honcho at the highschool deemed me pschotic after my episodes there through my teens...can't say as I blame him. I had to travel about an hour and a half every day to Winnipeg for my first two credits since I was too late to sign up in town 10 minutes from the farm...but got on there for one of my last two credits. I was dumb and somehow mixed up my courses and couldn't take the same one twice and have it count as two...so I ended up going back to the highschool and BEGGING for them to take me back for ONE credit and he still said no. I went straight to the source and explained my situation to the english teacher and she said to ignore the prncipal...just show up to her class twice a week and she'd sign the dotted line saying I completed the course. So, June 2007 I graduated highschool...I had promised Jenn I wouldn't quit and followed through with it. I was pissed at my mom though because for grad pics I wanted to wear my rings and I had done her dishes and left them beside the sink...she put them in a "safe" place and never found them for 7 months. Oh well, c'est la vie.
While doing that I had alot of work cut out for me...mom had let the fence get run into the ground. We have a 10 acre farm. That's ALOT of fence man!!! So I started by tweeking things to make it safe...tie up loose ends, fix busted posts, that sort of stuff. I also had alot of horse work to do! At that time we had Dove and Flika, Cinder and her two colts (Max, 3 years and Khodi, yearling), Shekhan Flika's filly (3 years old), Justus Dove's filly (2 years old), and Mini Man...all 3 boys were stallions. AWESOME!!! I had them all snipped within a couple weeks of being home! Sorry boys :) none for you! While I was away my mom did less than nothing in the way of handling any of these youngsters...joy! SO...I had 2, 3 year olds to start under saddle, a 2 year old to introduce new things to, AND a yearling that was scared of his own shadow. I started with Khodi first and got him desensatized...worked with him for about 4 months before selling him to a lady interested in english stuff and ended up pretty much GIVING him away for $250. I got more than that for my weanlings...but I had too many and he needed to go to someone who had the time. Then I forcussed on the 3 year olds...Shekhan I had started under saddle before I left so her tune up was easy...but I still hated that pony! Ended up selling her to a kid just for western trail riding and pleasure riding - stupid thing is that she's selling her in spring now because pony learned that if she acts up, the kid gets off. Whatever. Max was a little harder...he took patience. But his movement was amazing...seriously, you felt like you were on a horse the way he moved! For having such a short back, she was REALLY smooth! I wish he had been bigger...would've kept him! But I sold him to a lady with a 12 year old daughter, they're doing well now in pony club and apparently working towards small jumps! I'm happy with his placement.
Justus was my treasure...she always had been, since the moment she hit the ground. It KILLS me that she topped out at 14.1hh because she really is such a onderful and smart horse! But me being 5'10 I just feel so big on her. I know she can handle my weight, but my height throws us both off sometimes. I'm just blessed to have found such an awesome kid to lease her...she started riding with us last summer and handled Dove like a pro. Awesome seat and amazing balance...and took instruction like she'd thought of it. When I saw this, I saw stars as to how far she could take Justus and offered a lease with my pony. It's still going stong, had it's stare of bumps but stronger than ever now.
I think I went over what happened with Cinder in my last entry...how I sold her January of '08. After I'd finished highschool I spoke to my gramma about college...we agreed that if I found a course I liked then she'd pay for it with my inheritance money from my dad's death. I looked at a couple things but desided on dental assisting because it was one of my interests I guess, was a one year course, and it's something I can take with me wherever I go. Every city has dentists, every dentist needs an assistant. So I spoke to the college advisor and was enrolled to start in like 2 weeks! I didn't think it would all happen so fast but away I went! I have to say now, COLLEGE SUCKED BALLS! I was in a class of 19 where in the year I went the Dean and 2 of the dental teachers left, one of my teachers was diagnosed with breast cancer, AND we pretty much bought our diplomas. There were at LEAST 4 students in my class that should've failed just because of competancy tests being failed...but they passed them anyway because it would look bad on the school to have so many fail. Ick. BUT I worked hard and got through it, graduated in July of '08. After that I started working in an office but that'll be for my next entry...too much to type there! I ended up using friends and trickery to get Cinder back after I'd graduated. Wendy gave me the money and Niki used her powers of disguise to act as a buyer and trick the girl's mom into selling her. Her mom actually told Niki that "Shay-la is NOT to get ahold of this horse!" To which Niki muffled her laughter and agreed...in any case, she's home and I couldn't be happier.
I'm going to have to cut this one short and save work and Eve's purchase for next time because my laptop is REALLY hot right now and I don't want to lose everything I've typed already because it'll shut itself off when it overheats! Later!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Until Now...
So I guess it's smartest to start at the beginning...
I was born in Manitoba, Canada and moved to BC, Canada with my mom, dad, brother, and sister when I was 5 or so. My dad was the most abusive guy I've ever heard of...you name it, he did it. I once saw him hit my mom in the forehead with a 7 pound rock from the driveway...I listened to him beat my brother black and blue with a running shoe for getting a bad mark on something in school...and I witnessed him sexually abuse my sister on a nearly nightly basis since I shared a bedroom with her. This all went on until I was 9 and Jenn, my sister, told my mom what was what when she wasn't around, while my dad was out of province. My mom made the decision to divorce my dad and took Jenn to the cops. My mom drove me out to Manitoba to stay with my aunt, who I didn't remember and went back to BC to confront him. Somehow my dad got wind of all this and figured committing suicide was better than facing jail time. Shortly after my mom came and got me, bringing me back to BC...we stayed there for another 6 months or so before moving back to Manitoba since this is where all our family is.
We lived with my grannie for awhile, then with one of my mom's friends...then some crap house north of town...then back to grannies, and finally my mom bought 10 acres of land and moved a house trailer onto it. Keep in mind that until she finally bought the farm, we changed houses almost every year, so I never bothered making friends, knowing we'd be leaving in 8-14 months. During this time I had gotten very close to my cousin, Kristine and did alot of sleep overs with the 2 of us, Jenn, and her brother Eric. Eric came up with the GRAND idea of playing truth or dare. Imagine if you will me, being only 10 and freshly losing my dad, being dared to run naked to the neighbor's and ring the doorbell. Eric was my first experience with condoms, blow jobs, and anything else his twisted 15 year old male brain could think of. My mind blocked most of this from my memory until I was around 14 though...but the Christmas I was 11 I had figured enough was enough and when he wanted chinanigans, I climbed the Christmas Tree and was small and nimble enough that he never found me...I never went back.
Then in grade 9 all these memories started haunting me...I guess my psyche was ready to deal with the trauma or some damn thing so I would have dreams, nightmares if you will, about what hd happened. I had no idea it had actually happened until I invited Kristine over one night when we were staying at grannie's for the second time around and she told me it was all true...that she had witnessed it all. Finally I was at school one day having a typical horrid day since I was the nerd that the loser kids picked on...and I put myself in my locker at lunch and didn't come out until the school had teachers searching for me. They found me crying in my locker and I was taken to the school counsellor...won't tell my mom my ass! That's the first person she dragged in there after I told her what was wrong! Anyway, I went over what was what again with my mom and of course she started crying...then she took me to the police. Seriously, what are they going to do now? Shake their finger? He was 15 and I was 10! I realise it was boyhood curiosity now but it was still WAY inappropriate and illegal. I just wanted an "I'm sorry". I don't want to get him in trouble, I just want him to see what he did to my now tweeked brain and appologize. He didn't give me that...he denied everything until Jenn told him to smarten the f*ck up! To this day he feels shady about what happened, but thinks he did no wrong. Whatever...
I moved in with my mom at the farm and started babysitting the neighbor kid...who by chance had 2 horses. Both 2 year olds and barely handled. The kid was 11 and new how to make a sandwich so I spent most of the time with the horses and this is when my love for horses began. After a year of saving and the go ahead from mom I started a 6 month battle with the kid's parents trying to get them to sell. After many times running home through the pasture crying because they changed their minds, I started carrying around $500 so when they said ok next time, I'd hand them cash and they couldn't go back on it. Spring 2000 Dove and Flika came home :) I bought Dove, my mom bought Flika. I rode Dove EVERY day for the next year and a half no matter the weather or how long/far. Dove taught me almost everything I know...then Flika taught me to think...and eventually when I wanted to sell Dove and get something a little more firey, mom bought me Cinder and I gave her Dove...Cinder taught me how to hang on and have patience!
About halfway into grade 10 I started losing my mind. I wasn't allowed to see Jenn because she was "unstable" according to my mom and at school I remained the poor bastard that the most unpopular kids wouldn't be seen with. I'm not sure why or how I got to be the loserest of the bunch considering I'm not ugly and I wasn't THAT unfriendly...I just never made friends easily. Sure, I had kids that would smile and say hi as I passed them...but that was as good as it got. I started seriously cutting that year...with paperclips, knives, razor blades...even used my own finger nails to scratch the skin clean off before. I'd use hot lighters to burn myself and do anything that seemed wreckless, hoping to be injured. Pain seemed to make me forget whatever was eating at my brain. It made time stand still, even if it was only for 10 minutes, it was a break. The school counsellor got worried and eventually my mom caught on to what I was doing...she sent me to a stabilization crisis unit in town. GREAT. So now the kids that THOUGHT I was crazy now KNOW I am...thanks.
Things just spiralled from there...I started cutting deeper, needing 5-12 stitches for each one, and my thoughts drifted to suicide. If dad did it, why couldn't I? After 2 attempts my mom admitted me to the Winnipeg Psych Ward in the downtown hospital because I wouldn't sign a paper at the crisis unit saying I would stay safe for 12 hours. My sister moved to an apartment damn near right beside the hospital so she could see me every day and check up on me. This is really when my bond with her started. Through everything with dad she was my rock but I barely remembered that...but she made up for it. I spent my sweet 16th birthday in a hospital gown in a padded room with nothing but a blanket and some anti-psychotics in my system...but Jenn spent that night with me until the nurses kicked her out :) she really was my saving grace. While I was in hospital we talked so much...really got to know and understand each other...shared stories and personal things. She really was my best friend.
Finally 8 months later I had had enough of being crazy and wanted to get on with my life. Took some convincing but I was discharged as a "recovered borderline personality with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and PTSD (post traumatic syndrom disorder). Joy. I learned to live with it and control it best I was able. I was in this time, maybe a little earlier that I learned I was hard of hearing. I had lost 30% in my right ear, and 40% in my left. I was fitted for hearing aids and it took me longer than forever to adjust and accept them. I didn't wear them really until I was 19 or 20...I hated them with a passion because it just made me feel as if I weren't a whole person. When I got home I saw what mom had let happen to the horses...instead of fixing the fence, she LITERALLY kept them in the garage. Dove was able to walk in but I had to break the doorway to get her out since by that time she was nearly 9 months pregnant with her first foal. We had bred her to the neighbor's registered QH stallion before I went into hospital, but she never told me what was happening at the farm...especially the part about them being locked into a 14x20 foot enclosure for 8 months! There was so much crap in there they had to duck their heads when they moved around because of the rafters in the roof...I fixed that within the week. Had a make shift paddock and started mucking...
When I was released I had created such a bond with Jenn that we made plans to move in together and renovate a house. My aunt that had taken me in as a kid had bought the crappy house next to hers and gifted it to us as a project and home. Jenn had recently left her girlfriend of a couple years and was really down so I had to come up with ways to not only occupy her time but make her feel better about herself. I convinced her to come back to school with me. Even though she was 6 years older than me, we would graduate together, side by side. Class was going well and I helped her alot with her homework since we were in the same classes...and renovating the house was a blast! We painted the living room the colors of Scooby Doo because he was her most favorite thing ever! Light purple trim around the room, baby blue walls, and the kitchen was pastel green and we had 2 walls done with newsiding because it was behind the stove and stuff. We painted the bathroom purple and green, and our bedrooms were identical...right down to the checkerboard ceilings! We spent so much time painting...one day I got board and started thowing paint...we had to repaint that room! I loved that house, I loved going to school again because I had my best friend to sit beside...I loved life. I was sane, off meds, in school, and had future goals...I had also purchased a Welsh Pony stallion who sneakily bred all my mares...Dove's foal was going to be given to Jenn since Dove was "her" horse. We wanted her to actually have a horse of her own and Dove's foal was it.
Mother's Day 2005 that was ripped away.
Jenn was killed in a car crash one month before graduation by a guy, Stephen Keep, with no license driving a stolen car with Meth in his system. I was crushed. Still am I guess. Jenn was on her way to see a movie with her new girlfriend and 2 other friends when Keep drove into oncoming traffic. The car ahead of my sister's swerved out of the way just in time and a second later Jenn was gone. We're told it was instant and I hope so...after seeing the car later it didn't look livable. Jenn was the only fatality. The driver and her girlfriend each broke a leg, and the guy in the passenger seat had a concussion...that's it. Keep's injuries were more serious...he burst a vein in his heart or something and was rushed to hospital, as were the others. We got a phone call around 10pm that night saying Jenn was in a car accident and we needed to come to the hospital...
My sister was the type to phone you crying when she got a hangnail or sliver...we knew it was serious. But honestly I expected them to tell us she was in critical condition or surgery or something...give us options or information on how to fix it. Instead we were handed her personal belongings and told they were so sorry but they couldn't do anything. My mom started BAWLING. I just sat in disbelief. Watch the woman I had known to be so strong break down in front of my eyes. My mom has never been the same since. We were then led to the closed room where Jenn was, she didn't look that bad. Her head had a bandage and she was pale, but she looked as if she could be sleeping. First thing I did was take her hand...it was cold. Mom continued to sob and after 5-10 minutes she left the room to give me a little time. I still hadn't shed a tear. I remember checking her chest and yeah, she had been wearing a seatbelt...she was blue and purple from it. I then took her gecko ring off her finger and promised her I'd live for both of us as long as I could.
From there we went to see her friends that had been in the car with her and told them what had happened since NONE of the doctors seemed to think it was important for them to know Jenn's condition. I have never heard people scream as loud as they did. My mom moaned in emotional agony...but they actually screamed! Then we were asked to leave...
I stayed at the farm from May until August because I couldn't go in our house anymore. Dove's filly was born a little over a week after Jenn died and we named her Justus, as in Just Us. In August I desided I needed to just get away from everything. I moved to BC to live with my uncle for 9 months. In that time I had a couple different jobs and got my foot back in the door to finish school. When my semester was finished I had been horseless for WAY too long and wanted to go home...so I did. When I got back, the farm was a wreck. I've been fixing it ever since. I *almost* think I never should have left. I ended up selling 3 of the ponies produced from the Welsh stallion and the mares, keeping Justus though. I got my ass in gear and finished up school with alot of difficulty and with the help of my Gramma and my inheritance I attended college to be a dental assistant. During college I sold Cinder and regretted it instantly...ended up buying her back when the stupid kid I sold her to left her at her parent's place and they sold her from under the kid. Used some trickery but we got her back!
I know I've missed ALOT in there but my fingers hurt from typing so I'll end it here and give you an up to date next time...trust me, there's alot more where this came from, but the cramps in my hands are getting to me!
Til next time,
Shay-la
I was born in Manitoba, Canada and moved to BC, Canada with my mom, dad, brother, and sister when I was 5 or so. My dad was the most abusive guy I've ever heard of...you name it, he did it. I once saw him hit my mom in the forehead with a 7 pound rock from the driveway...I listened to him beat my brother black and blue with a running shoe for getting a bad mark on something in school...and I witnessed him sexually abuse my sister on a nearly nightly basis since I shared a bedroom with her. This all went on until I was 9 and Jenn, my sister, told my mom what was what when she wasn't around, while my dad was out of province. My mom made the decision to divorce my dad and took Jenn to the cops. My mom drove me out to Manitoba to stay with my aunt, who I didn't remember and went back to BC to confront him. Somehow my dad got wind of all this and figured committing suicide was better than facing jail time. Shortly after my mom came and got me, bringing me back to BC...we stayed there for another 6 months or so before moving back to Manitoba since this is where all our family is.
We lived with my grannie for awhile, then with one of my mom's friends...then some crap house north of town...then back to grannies, and finally my mom bought 10 acres of land and moved a house trailer onto it. Keep in mind that until she finally bought the farm, we changed houses almost every year, so I never bothered making friends, knowing we'd be leaving in 8-14 months. During this time I had gotten very close to my cousin, Kristine and did alot of sleep overs with the 2 of us, Jenn, and her brother Eric. Eric came up with the GRAND idea of playing truth or dare. Imagine if you will me, being only 10 and freshly losing my dad, being dared to run naked to the neighbor's and ring the doorbell. Eric was my first experience with condoms, blow jobs, and anything else his twisted 15 year old male brain could think of. My mind blocked most of this from my memory until I was around 14 though...but the Christmas I was 11 I had figured enough was enough and when he wanted chinanigans, I climbed the Christmas Tree and was small and nimble enough that he never found me...I never went back.
Then in grade 9 all these memories started haunting me...I guess my psyche was ready to deal with the trauma or some damn thing so I would have dreams, nightmares if you will, about what hd happened. I had no idea it had actually happened until I invited Kristine over one night when we were staying at grannie's for the second time around and she told me it was all true...that she had witnessed it all. Finally I was at school one day having a typical horrid day since I was the nerd that the loser kids picked on...and I put myself in my locker at lunch and didn't come out until the school had teachers searching for me. They found me crying in my locker and I was taken to the school counsellor...won't tell my mom my ass! That's the first person she dragged in there after I told her what was wrong! Anyway, I went over what was what again with my mom and of course she started crying...then she took me to the police. Seriously, what are they going to do now? Shake their finger? He was 15 and I was 10! I realise it was boyhood curiosity now but it was still WAY inappropriate and illegal. I just wanted an "I'm sorry". I don't want to get him in trouble, I just want him to see what he did to my now tweeked brain and appologize. He didn't give me that...he denied everything until Jenn told him to smarten the f*ck up! To this day he feels shady about what happened, but thinks he did no wrong. Whatever...
I moved in with my mom at the farm and started babysitting the neighbor kid...who by chance had 2 horses. Both 2 year olds and barely handled. The kid was 11 and new how to make a sandwich so I spent most of the time with the horses and this is when my love for horses began. After a year of saving and the go ahead from mom I started a 6 month battle with the kid's parents trying to get them to sell. After many times running home through the pasture crying because they changed their minds, I started carrying around $500 so when they said ok next time, I'd hand them cash and they couldn't go back on it. Spring 2000 Dove and Flika came home :) I bought Dove, my mom bought Flika. I rode Dove EVERY day for the next year and a half no matter the weather or how long/far. Dove taught me almost everything I know...then Flika taught me to think...and eventually when I wanted to sell Dove and get something a little more firey, mom bought me Cinder and I gave her Dove...Cinder taught me how to hang on and have patience!
About halfway into grade 10 I started losing my mind. I wasn't allowed to see Jenn because she was "unstable" according to my mom and at school I remained the poor bastard that the most unpopular kids wouldn't be seen with. I'm not sure why or how I got to be the loserest of the bunch considering I'm not ugly and I wasn't THAT unfriendly...I just never made friends easily. Sure, I had kids that would smile and say hi as I passed them...but that was as good as it got. I started seriously cutting that year...with paperclips, knives, razor blades...even used my own finger nails to scratch the skin clean off before. I'd use hot lighters to burn myself and do anything that seemed wreckless, hoping to be injured. Pain seemed to make me forget whatever was eating at my brain. It made time stand still, even if it was only for 10 minutes, it was a break. The school counsellor got worried and eventually my mom caught on to what I was doing...she sent me to a stabilization crisis unit in town. GREAT. So now the kids that THOUGHT I was crazy now KNOW I am...thanks.
Things just spiralled from there...I started cutting deeper, needing 5-12 stitches for each one, and my thoughts drifted to suicide. If dad did it, why couldn't I? After 2 attempts my mom admitted me to the Winnipeg Psych Ward in the downtown hospital because I wouldn't sign a paper at the crisis unit saying I would stay safe for 12 hours. My sister moved to an apartment damn near right beside the hospital so she could see me every day and check up on me. This is really when my bond with her started. Through everything with dad she was my rock but I barely remembered that...but she made up for it. I spent my sweet 16th birthday in a hospital gown in a padded room with nothing but a blanket and some anti-psychotics in my system...but Jenn spent that night with me until the nurses kicked her out :) she really was my saving grace. While I was in hospital we talked so much...really got to know and understand each other...shared stories and personal things. She really was my best friend.
Finally 8 months later I had had enough of being crazy and wanted to get on with my life. Took some convincing but I was discharged as a "recovered borderline personality with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and PTSD (post traumatic syndrom disorder). Joy. I learned to live with it and control it best I was able. I was in this time, maybe a little earlier that I learned I was hard of hearing. I had lost 30% in my right ear, and 40% in my left. I was fitted for hearing aids and it took me longer than forever to adjust and accept them. I didn't wear them really until I was 19 or 20...I hated them with a passion because it just made me feel as if I weren't a whole person. When I got home I saw what mom had let happen to the horses...instead of fixing the fence, she LITERALLY kept them in the garage. Dove was able to walk in but I had to break the doorway to get her out since by that time she was nearly 9 months pregnant with her first foal. We had bred her to the neighbor's registered QH stallion before I went into hospital, but she never told me what was happening at the farm...especially the part about them being locked into a 14x20 foot enclosure for 8 months! There was so much crap in there they had to duck their heads when they moved around because of the rafters in the roof...I fixed that within the week. Had a make shift paddock and started mucking...
When I was released I had created such a bond with Jenn that we made plans to move in together and renovate a house. My aunt that had taken me in as a kid had bought the crappy house next to hers and gifted it to us as a project and home. Jenn had recently left her girlfriend of a couple years and was really down so I had to come up with ways to not only occupy her time but make her feel better about herself. I convinced her to come back to school with me. Even though she was 6 years older than me, we would graduate together, side by side. Class was going well and I helped her alot with her homework since we were in the same classes...and renovating the house was a blast! We painted the living room the colors of Scooby Doo because he was her most favorite thing ever! Light purple trim around the room, baby blue walls, and the kitchen was pastel green and we had 2 walls done with newsiding because it was behind the stove and stuff. We painted the bathroom purple and green, and our bedrooms were identical...right down to the checkerboard ceilings! We spent so much time painting...one day I got board and started thowing paint...we had to repaint that room! I loved that house, I loved going to school again because I had my best friend to sit beside...I loved life. I was sane, off meds, in school, and had future goals...I had also purchased a Welsh Pony stallion who sneakily bred all my mares...Dove's foal was going to be given to Jenn since Dove was "her" horse. We wanted her to actually have a horse of her own and Dove's foal was it.
Mother's Day 2005 that was ripped away.
Jenn was killed in a car crash one month before graduation by a guy, Stephen Keep, with no license driving a stolen car with Meth in his system. I was crushed. Still am I guess. Jenn was on her way to see a movie with her new girlfriend and 2 other friends when Keep drove into oncoming traffic. The car ahead of my sister's swerved out of the way just in time and a second later Jenn was gone. We're told it was instant and I hope so...after seeing the car later it didn't look livable. Jenn was the only fatality. The driver and her girlfriend each broke a leg, and the guy in the passenger seat had a concussion...that's it. Keep's injuries were more serious...he burst a vein in his heart or something and was rushed to hospital, as were the others. We got a phone call around 10pm that night saying Jenn was in a car accident and we needed to come to the hospital...
My sister was the type to phone you crying when she got a hangnail or sliver...we knew it was serious. But honestly I expected them to tell us she was in critical condition or surgery or something...give us options or information on how to fix it. Instead we were handed her personal belongings and told they were so sorry but they couldn't do anything. My mom started BAWLING. I just sat in disbelief. Watch the woman I had known to be so strong break down in front of my eyes. My mom has never been the same since. We were then led to the closed room where Jenn was, she didn't look that bad. Her head had a bandage and she was pale, but she looked as if she could be sleeping. First thing I did was take her hand...it was cold. Mom continued to sob and after 5-10 minutes she left the room to give me a little time. I still hadn't shed a tear. I remember checking her chest and yeah, she had been wearing a seatbelt...she was blue and purple from it. I then took her gecko ring off her finger and promised her I'd live for both of us as long as I could.
From there we went to see her friends that had been in the car with her and told them what had happened since NONE of the doctors seemed to think it was important for them to know Jenn's condition. I have never heard people scream as loud as they did. My mom moaned in emotional agony...but they actually screamed! Then we were asked to leave...
I stayed at the farm from May until August because I couldn't go in our house anymore. Dove's filly was born a little over a week after Jenn died and we named her Justus, as in Just Us. In August I desided I needed to just get away from everything. I moved to BC to live with my uncle for 9 months. In that time I had a couple different jobs and got my foot back in the door to finish school. When my semester was finished I had been horseless for WAY too long and wanted to go home...so I did. When I got back, the farm was a wreck. I've been fixing it ever since. I *almost* think I never should have left. I ended up selling 3 of the ponies produced from the Welsh stallion and the mares, keeping Justus though. I got my ass in gear and finished up school with alot of difficulty and with the help of my Gramma and my inheritance I attended college to be a dental assistant. During college I sold Cinder and regretted it instantly...ended up buying her back when the stupid kid I sold her to left her at her parent's place and they sold her from under the kid. Used some trickery but we got her back!
I know I've missed ALOT in there but my fingers hurt from typing so I'll end it here and give you an up to date next time...trust me, there's alot more where this came from, but the cramps in my hands are getting to me!
Til next time,
Shay-la
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