K I'm sorry but this is a "What The Fuck?!" entry...

So I have communication issues. When I get frazzled or worked up, talking is not my strong suit so no matter who it's to I usually will write a letter to them to let them know how I'm feeling. Well lately I've been a bit frazzled with Bradey so following my own footsteps I wrote him a long letter...please read...also please ignore the lack of english skills...the one I wrote was well spaced and paragraphed but apparently copy and paste doesn't allow for grammar! And I'm too lazy to go through the whole thing to fix it...well maybe I'll make the paragraphs LOL

Hey Pookie,

I have no idea why but I'm really struggling with opening up to you lately. There seems to be no ryme or reason, I just get really nervous...so letters seem to work in letting you know what I have to say. I know I'm wierd, oddly enough I write letters to my mom and Niki when I get stressed about things too so I should be getting used to it by now.Anyway, I'll start off with what's on my mind most lately...sexy time. Everybody looks for what they need in life no matter what it is. Thus far you've provided most everything for me but sometimes I worry that I can't do the same for you. As I'm sure you've noticed, our sexy time has been drastically cut...yes I've been able to be more comfortable with you most of the time, but I still have no sex drive.

In the beginning I tried every time you wanted so that I could force my body to adjust, make it see that your hand wouldn't hurt me - it was so often at first because I wasn't comfortable. I was anxious and nervous...but I've been able to push past that. In doing so I had hoped that I would start to build a mental and physical sexual desire as well as work past some of my issues...well at least I got one of the two. I felt as if our relationship had become sex driven because while Daryl was away I was staying there 4-5 nights a week and we were intimate 2-3 of those nights. I kinda cut it back to 2-3 nights a week and we had sex almost every time. This made me edgy and unable to enjoy our time together because all I could think about was to keep breathing and try to relax and keep calm, knowing sexual advances would be made. Once I was starting to feel comfortable with sex, I felt I had no reason to say no. Then Daryl came back and I already explained how hearing footsteps will set me off...just knowing someone's home is enough to not let me relax sometimes.

Back to the point of my blurb - I feel as if my lack of sex drive and inability to crave it will eventually make you resent me. For not wanting it, which is no fault of your own, but all the same something you would have to live with. I'm just saying I know for a fact that your need for sex is WAY stronger than mine and I don't know how to change that. I've worked past being twitchy and hyperventilating, but I have NO idea how to increase whatever it is that makes you want it.

To be honest, I feel inadequate. As if I can't provide what you need...I can't have sex on a nightly or even every second night basis or it will consume my mind and make me edgy...but after a few nights without I know you'll want to and it makes me nervous still. I don't know how to explain it...this is why I stayed single for so long! Sex is a huge deal to any guy...comes with having a penis...but I find it only fair that you know now before we get any more serious that I will never have a strong sex drive...can you live with that?

There's so much more on my mind but my laptop's fan has been going for nearly 15 minutes and I swear if it shuts down now I'll never get this out...so I'm going to send this note, type the next one, and hope you understand.

Love you,
Shay-la

Part 2:

I really think I'll be able to relax more when I know there's nobody else home...like I was not only able to relax but really enjoy it when you had the house to yourself! That being said, I do enjoy sex once we're in the moment - it's the leading up to it and not knowing what to really do that gets me. I can count on 2 hands how many times I was intimate with ANYONE before you...only 3 parteners. So anything I know is mostly from you and even then I'm still trying to figure things out!

Speaking of living together...this is another big thing that's been on my mind alot lately. I do think we're ready to take it to the next step and live together...but I think we'd be jumping the gun in BUYING a house together this soon. I love you dearly, but there's no reason to rush. If you'd like to buy a seperate farm and live there then I'm happy to let you buy it and live there with you, but if we're moving a house onto my mom's property, I insist that I buy it. I'm not saying anything bad will happen, I hope I'm with you til I die...but that's like 60 years from now and alot can happen in that time.

I really hope you don't take offense to this because I mean none. It was the same thing with my uncle's place in BC...I see NO reason to rush into that! We've only been dating almost 8 months now and that's hella fast to go from "hi my name's..." to signing the dotted line on a shared mortgage. I hope you see my point. I think this is the only area I've felt our age difference. You are 110% ready to buy a house and move to BC and do all these things...whereas I'm just looking at my possibilities here. Yes the mountains are amazing and I'd love to own a little farm there, but realistically at this point in my life, I can't afford that. If I buy a trailer and move it onto mom's property for a year or two I MIGHT save enough money for a downpayment on half of a townhouse in BC...at that point we can put all our money together and see what we can afford in BC. Again, I hope you can see where I'm coming from...

Honestly, I think I'm just getting "cold feet" so to speak...I can't even express how I FEEL without being nervous so yeah, buying a house with ANYONE at this point scares the crap out of me. I realise I should've said this alot sooner, but better late than never. I suck at communicating...ask anyone that knows me. I'll let little things slide until it becomes an avalanche and squashes me from stress...then I'll explode for no reason. I'm really hoping that sharing all this with you will both prevent that and make you see why I've been a touch standoff-ish lately. I just had no idea where or how to start saying what I wanted to. Even tonight on the phone, there was at least 3 silences where I could've gone "oh by the way" but didn't...writing has just always been my strong suit, hence why i have a journal dating back to 2000.

There's just so much that we still don't know about each other...and when we do share time it's in front of the tv, sex, or sleeping...we need to find an us thing. Something we can both do comfortably together and talk throughout it. even something as simple as walking the dog around the block before settling down and watching a thing on tv before bed...I think my babbling has informed you of nearly EVERYTHING I've done in my life but I still don't know what your favorite color is.

The only thing I don't like about writing to tell someone my thoughts is that I have no clue what your reaction is. You could be sitting there mad as hell and cursing, or lean back and say "oh...well that explains a little..." I simply don't know. A responce would help with that - be it a reply on here or a phone call to talk about it or wait until I'm over next, I don't care how...but I do need some feedback on this. Either I'm being silly and worrying over nothing or I have some valid fears over getting in over my head way too soon in any given relationship. I realise this is alot of heavy shit, but read it a couple times...let it all register and get back to me.

Keep in mind that I didn't re-read what I've written, I'm typing as fast as I can so as not to allow myself to hit delete and keep it hidden. This would be the next running point but I really do love you with everything I have and want to try breaking down my walls to see us together. I meant what I said about our promise rings - when I'm ready to by a house with someone, marry, and possibly have kids, I want it to be with you. I love you more than anything Bradey...

Shay-la

OK so now that you all know my deepest thoughts about the Bradey and I scenario, here's his "thoughtful" reply...

ya you should have told me sooner, and not lead me on like this, and sorry i can't wait, i don't have the option.THanks

I'm sorry but umm...WHAT?! I don't even have words to type here because I'm in shock. I share my feelings and not only did he get upset that I wrote them instead of just spoke to him, but he tells me he can't wait!? That sounds like an ultimatum to me...so I texted him and asked wtf? He said it's not a situation where if I don't buy a house with him we're done, but that's what it feels like. Then he said something about what would happen if he moved to BC...I felt like saying go the fuck ahead! I'm not the prissy gf that's going to cry and beg you to stay! You want to leave, LEAVE then! That's your call...do what you have to do...but I'm not able to go with you. I'm taking steps to take care of my mom before I skip this province in a COUPLE YEARS FROM NOW. Maybe up to 5 years before I can afford anything decent out west! I'm not going to jump into it blindly and hope for the best, that reaks of disaster!

Anyway, that's my blog for tonight...might have more to wrote later but my laptop is very warm! LOL later!