So shit hit the fan...but as usually, I'm the one throwing the shit so I guess I can't complain.

Since the whole mad thing with Bradey happened, I can't sit nex to him without sweaty palms and twitchy legs. I just can't get comfortable around him whether we're with people or alone...

So today I told him sorry, I guess I'm just not cut out for this, but it's over. Now he's on some rampage where he won't give back the $130 gold ring I gave him because I can't find one of his shitty old sweaters...aparently it has sentimental value. OH YEAH, and he wants the new PBR sweater he bought me for my birthday a little over a week ago. I told him to just hawk the ring for the PBR and fucked if I know where the other one is. He's not taking it though...he NEEDS that old white sweater back...like his life depends on it man!

Whatever...I searched high and low both at the farm and the apartment, Moki checked the car and trunk...this thing grew legs and is GONE. I don't care...fuck it. Keep the stupid ring. And go knit yourself a new sweater because I don't fucking have it! My bet is that it's at the bottom of his own damn closet and he forgot...

that's all for tonight...
Later

Crazy Weekend...

Not quite the birthday weekend I expected, but could always be worse.

Friday I worked, nothing special...

Saturday I worked til 2pm, picked up Ashley and Niki and went to the farm. I was a little put off at first about how plans were made since it was my birthday Sunday and they were the ones riding...but Niki came and helped a bunch for the hard part before they left and I needed to finish the second strand on the pasture. Plus I had nobody to ride...Flika and Zierra are out with leg owwies, Cinder's back is screwed, and Eve's only 2 and untrained. I'm sure I could have doubled on Dove, but I had crap to finish...then we went back to the apartment and had a cooler, then over to Pro Bull Riding (PBR) which was like a 3 block walk from the apartment. Bradey came with us and it was really fun! Rode the mechanical bull before we went in to watch and after my ride the guy at the table told me about some cometition they have at a local bar - said there's a king and queen every month or something, said I should give it a shot! Made my day...Betty came with us too, that's where we're bringing all the horses. She's really nice, and one of her boarders came. Afterwards we went back to the apartment for "girl's night" and I guess I wasn't clear on that part because Bradey stayed til 1am...not like I'm going to kick him out. Plus the one cooler I had turned my stomach something aweful! I wasn't in a drinking mood anymore...anyway, he went home and we all went to bed shortly after.

Today we got out to the farm at noon and holy crap, looking back now I got ALOT of shit done! I finished the second strand, complete with 2 gates, walked the entire fenceline of all the pastures and round pens, spent over an hour trying to get the big pasture hot but failed, dragged over the huge palate for under the tire in the round pen for Justus, Flika, and Mini Man, carried the tub over on my back from the paddock, AND we tarped the hay...was solid hours of chores with maybe 2, 15 minute breaks. I'm sore now...but it was worth it.

Tomorrow I plan to take down some of the extra strands on the big pasture and tighten the cable wire. I'm looking forward to being finished with this stupid fence! I want it all done RIGHT so that if something stops working, it'll be obvious because it's not that crap yellow braid wire and all the insulators are new...no extra pieces or splicing to worry about.

I hate to say it but Flika is screwed...my mom's never letting her in the big pasture. Ever. She escapes from everything...I can't really blame my mom, but that's no life for her. At least now she'll have Mini Manas a companion instead of being the loner horse in the round pen. She'll be in there with him for a couple weeks, maybe a month until this water drains off the farm, then back into the paddock together. Dove and Cinder get the big pasture.

More and more as I'm thinking about buying this wagon to teach the horses to pull, I'm thinking I should see if Cinder will go well in it. It's no actual weight on her back and that's what hurts...carrying me and my saddle on her sore spot. Wonder if the small 2 man cart with me in it would put similar weight on her? I don't want to hurt her, but if I can find a way to still use her and cause no pain, then I can still spend so much time with her...I've been just grooming her a couple times a week lately and she's loving it...might try ground driving her a little bit tomorrow too and see what she thinks. Might not though because it's supposed to rain...we'll see how bitchy mother nature is when we get there.

Well, enough typing for one night...later!

Since my last post I talked to Bradey and we've smoothed things over. We love each other and I'd feel stupid throwing that away over one misunderstanding. Had he understood my letter and still reacted that way it would be another story...but if he honestly didn't get what I had written, then I think it's worth another shot.

Onto other news...

This month is Ashley's and my birthdays. We're 3 days apart so we were going to have a combined birthday party :) well my gift was a big secret and stayed that way until I gave it to her today...I told her Niki and I were staying at the farm lastnight so she would need her mom to drive her out today. Her mom said she and some other people had to be somewhere for 12:30 so she was being dropped off at noon...they pulled halfway down the driveway and everyone unloaded...Niki started video taping same as Ashley's mom so she kinda knew something was up...

I've never actually seen the facial expression "OMFG" before today.

I walked out from behind the garage and into Ashley's view to present her with her new, decked out in pink, pony. Justus is all hers and I'm happy to home her with Ashley. I honestly don't know of anyone that will love that pony as much as, if not more, than I do. I didn't want to sell Justus and lose her so this seems like a PERFECT solution! I'm able to help Ashley's dreamscome true in owning her first horse AND stay connected with my baby! Best of both worlds...I'm seriously on cloud 9 right now, as I'm sure Ashley is as well...

Well, that's all for today...

Well it's over...

I chose it too...after what he's shown me of himself in the last couple days, I don't want my forever to be like that. I didn't sign up for adult temper tantrums, pouting, and yelling.

Not much more to say really...just figured I'd update since my last entry was about my letter to him. I have yet to really write about Eve or the latest about Cinder...but I'm not exactly in a typing mood right now.

To be honest, I'm feeling my first urges to cut in a LONG time. But I know Moki's in the room next to me and will thoroughly kick my ass if I do so...yeah...none for me!

K I'm sorry but this is a "What The Fuck?!" entry...

So I have communication issues. When I get frazzled or worked up, talking is not my strong suit so no matter who it's to I usually will write a letter to them to let them know how I'm feeling. Well lately I've been a bit frazzled with Bradey so following my own footsteps I wrote him a long letter...please read...also please ignore the lack of english skills...the one I wrote was well spaced and paragraphed but apparently copy and paste doesn't allow for grammar! And I'm too lazy to go through the whole thing to fix it...well maybe I'll make the paragraphs LOL

Hey Pookie,

I have no idea why but I'm really struggling with opening up to you lately. There seems to be no ryme or reason, I just get really nervous...so letters seem to work in letting you know what I have to say. I know I'm wierd, oddly enough I write letters to my mom and Niki when I get stressed about things too so I should be getting used to it by now.Anyway, I'll start off with what's on my mind most lately...sexy time. Everybody looks for what they need in life no matter what it is. Thus far you've provided most everything for me but sometimes I worry that I can't do the same for you. As I'm sure you've noticed, our sexy time has been drastically cut...yes I've been able to be more comfortable with you most of the time, but I still have no sex drive.

In the beginning I tried every time you wanted so that I could force my body to adjust, make it see that your hand wouldn't hurt me - it was so often at first because I wasn't comfortable. I was anxious and nervous...but I've been able to push past that. In doing so I had hoped that I would start to build a mental and physical sexual desire as well as work past some of my issues...well at least I got one of the two. I felt as if our relationship had become sex driven because while Daryl was away I was staying there 4-5 nights a week and we were intimate 2-3 of those nights. I kinda cut it back to 2-3 nights a week and we had sex almost every time. This made me edgy and unable to enjoy our time together because all I could think about was to keep breathing and try to relax and keep calm, knowing sexual advances would be made. Once I was starting to feel comfortable with sex, I felt I had no reason to say no. Then Daryl came back and I already explained how hearing footsteps will set me off...just knowing someone's home is enough to not let me relax sometimes.

Back to the point of my blurb - I feel as if my lack of sex drive and inability to crave it will eventually make you resent me. For not wanting it, which is no fault of your own, but all the same something you would have to live with. I'm just saying I know for a fact that your need for sex is WAY stronger than mine and I don't know how to change that. I've worked past being twitchy and hyperventilating, but I have NO idea how to increase whatever it is that makes you want it.

To be honest, I feel inadequate. As if I can't provide what you need...I can't have sex on a nightly or even every second night basis or it will consume my mind and make me edgy...but after a few nights without I know you'll want to and it makes me nervous still. I don't know how to explain it...this is why I stayed single for so long! Sex is a huge deal to any guy...comes with having a penis...but I find it only fair that you know now before we get any more serious that I will never have a strong sex drive...can you live with that?

There's so much more on my mind but my laptop's fan has been going for nearly 15 minutes and I swear if it shuts down now I'll never get this out...so I'm going to send this note, type the next one, and hope you understand.

Love you,
Shay-la

Part 2:

I really think I'll be able to relax more when I know there's nobody else home...like I was not only able to relax but really enjoy it when you had the house to yourself! That being said, I do enjoy sex once we're in the moment - it's the leading up to it and not knowing what to really do that gets me. I can count on 2 hands how many times I was intimate with ANYONE before you...only 3 parteners. So anything I know is mostly from you and even then I'm still trying to figure things out!

Speaking of living together...this is another big thing that's been on my mind alot lately. I do think we're ready to take it to the next step and live together...but I think we'd be jumping the gun in BUYING a house together this soon. I love you dearly, but there's no reason to rush. If you'd like to buy a seperate farm and live there then I'm happy to let you buy it and live there with you, but if we're moving a house onto my mom's property, I insist that I buy it. I'm not saying anything bad will happen, I hope I'm with you til I die...but that's like 60 years from now and alot can happen in that time.

I really hope you don't take offense to this because I mean none. It was the same thing with my uncle's place in BC...I see NO reason to rush into that! We've only been dating almost 8 months now and that's hella fast to go from "hi my name's..." to signing the dotted line on a shared mortgage. I hope you see my point. I think this is the only area I've felt our age difference. You are 110% ready to buy a house and move to BC and do all these things...whereas I'm just looking at my possibilities here. Yes the mountains are amazing and I'd love to own a little farm there, but realistically at this point in my life, I can't afford that. If I buy a trailer and move it onto mom's property for a year or two I MIGHT save enough money for a downpayment on half of a townhouse in BC...at that point we can put all our money together and see what we can afford in BC. Again, I hope you can see where I'm coming from...

Honestly, I think I'm just getting "cold feet" so to speak...I can't even express how I FEEL without being nervous so yeah, buying a house with ANYONE at this point scares the crap out of me. I realise I should've said this alot sooner, but better late than never. I suck at communicating...ask anyone that knows me. I'll let little things slide until it becomes an avalanche and squashes me from stress...then I'll explode for no reason. I'm really hoping that sharing all this with you will both prevent that and make you see why I've been a touch standoff-ish lately. I just had no idea where or how to start saying what I wanted to. Even tonight on the phone, there was at least 3 silences where I could've gone "oh by the way" but didn't...writing has just always been my strong suit, hence why i have a journal dating back to 2000.

There's just so much that we still don't know about each other...and when we do share time it's in front of the tv, sex, or sleeping...we need to find an us thing. Something we can both do comfortably together and talk throughout it. even something as simple as walking the dog around the block before settling down and watching a thing on tv before bed...I think my babbling has informed you of nearly EVERYTHING I've done in my life but I still don't know what your favorite color is.

The only thing I don't like about writing to tell someone my thoughts is that I have no clue what your reaction is. You could be sitting there mad as hell and cursing, or lean back and say "oh...well that explains a little..." I simply don't know. A responce would help with that - be it a reply on here or a phone call to talk about it or wait until I'm over next, I don't care how...but I do need some feedback on this. Either I'm being silly and worrying over nothing or I have some valid fears over getting in over my head way too soon in any given relationship. I realise this is alot of heavy shit, but read it a couple times...let it all register and get back to me.

Keep in mind that I didn't re-read what I've written, I'm typing as fast as I can so as not to allow myself to hit delete and keep it hidden. This would be the next running point but I really do love you with everything I have and want to try breaking down my walls to see us together. I meant what I said about our promise rings - when I'm ready to by a house with someone, marry, and possibly have kids, I want it to be with you. I love you more than anything Bradey...

Shay-la

OK so now that you all know my deepest thoughts about the Bradey and I scenario, here's his "thoughtful" reply...

ya you should have told me sooner, and not lead me on like this, and sorry i can't wait, i don't have the option.THanks

I'm sorry but umm...WHAT?! I don't even have words to type here because I'm in shock. I share my feelings and not only did he get upset that I wrote them instead of just spoke to him, but he tells me he can't wait!? That sounds like an ultimatum to me...so I texted him and asked wtf? He said it's not a situation where if I don't buy a house with him we're done, but that's what it feels like. Then he said something about what would happen if he moved to BC...I felt like saying go the fuck ahead! I'm not the prissy gf that's going to cry and beg you to stay! You want to leave, LEAVE then! That's your call...do what you have to do...but I'm not able to go with you. I'm taking steps to take care of my mom before I skip this province in a COUPLE YEARS FROM NOW. Maybe up to 5 years before I can afford anything decent out west! I'm not going to jump into it blindly and hope for the best, that reaks of disaster!

Anyway, that's my blog for tonight...might have more to wrote later but my laptop is very warm! LOL later!

OK so I left off with my first job after graduating as a dental assistant...

I had hunted for a total of MAYBE 4 days before getting an on the spot interview at an office within a 5 minute drive from my apartment. I was thrilled when I was asked to return a couple hours later for the interview...I came back, Niki waited in the car and read because we were going to head to the farm afterwards, and the interview took over an hour! I swear that guy has NO friends because half of it wasn't even work related! In any case, I got the job and was asked to start the next day...

All I can say is that my welcome to hell sucked ass! I think I came home FUMING more times than not because this guy would literally pull me aside for 30-40 minutes at a time to rant about things that were unrelated to my job and duties...like how the front was booking people. I'm sorry, but go yell at them then!!! This went on for 2 exhausting months before he actually reduced me to tears from frustration...it was either I punch him, or I start crying and walk out. I opted to cry from the frustration and as I grabbed my jacket to leave he pleaded for me to stay and I started yelling. So the recpetionist at the time came running, hearing my loud abuse towards him and closed the door because there were patients in the chairs still...I really didn't care anymore. I let him have it. Told him to go find a therapist because I wasn't interested in his psycho-babble anymore, that he needed to get off his high horse and realise he DOES need help or he'd be running his own practise without staff, and that starting that day he had no assistant. The receptionist kicked him out and BEGGED me to finish the day because they were double booked and would have to surely cancel half their day without me...so I did, for her though. She wanted me to stay for the following day as well but no chance in hell. Sorry hun, but you should quit too!

I ended up leaving that practise in late October and stayed jobless through the trial...I'll do another post about that whole ordeal...but then started applying again and lucked out. I got a call from Northgate dental asking me to do a working interview. I was pumped, but scared because of my first experience with dentists...so I went and tried my hardest to do what I was taught, and within 3 hours the dentist I was working with told me I was hired. I was thrilled! Her name is Dr. Jay and she's the most wonderful person I've ever met...and I'm not just saying that because she's my boss, but when I honestly don't know something, she'll take the extra 5 minutes to teach me and I'll put the effort in to remember it for next time! I LOVE working with her! The only down side is that I'm only on term with her...so as of late July I'll be jobless again. She's trying to keep me on full time to work with her because she likes me too, but her last assistant is coming back from maturnity leave so it's not like she really gets a choice. I told her that if all she's able to do is keep me a couple days per week, I'll take it because I love working with her. I'll find a suppliment to my income somewhere else, just give me a couple solid days that I know I'm working with her and I'll work around that...to me, it's worth it. I've learned so much from her already and she's so willing to show me new things and explain them as we go. She's convinced that I should go back to school to be a dentist...apparently my understanding of teeth is more than it should be for just assisting. I can see overhangs and things that normal assistants would just ignore...

Anyway, time for dinner and I'll write more later!!!

So I think I left off last time with coming home from BC and the farm being a mess...

I lived with my mom from when I got home in May 2006 until I moved out with my bestest friend Niki in October 2007. In that time I finished getting my GED through learning centers since the head honcho at the highschool deemed me pschotic after my episodes there through my teens...can't say as I blame him. I had to travel about an hour and a half every day to Winnipeg for my first two credits since I was too late to sign up in town 10 minutes from the farm...but got on there for one of my last two credits. I was dumb and somehow mixed up my courses and couldn't take the same one twice and have it count as two...so I ended up going back to the highschool and BEGGING for them to take me back for ONE credit and he still said no. I went straight to the source and explained my situation to the english teacher and she said to ignore the prncipal...just show up to her class twice a week and she'd sign the dotted line saying I completed the course. So, June 2007 I graduated highschool...I had promised Jenn I wouldn't quit and followed through with it. I was pissed at my mom though because for grad pics I wanted to wear my rings and I had done her dishes and left them beside the sink...she put them in a "safe" place and never found them for 7 months. Oh well, c'est la vie.

While doing that I had alot of work cut out for me...mom had let the fence get run into the ground. We have a 10 acre farm. That's ALOT of fence man!!! So I started by tweeking things to make it safe...tie up loose ends, fix busted posts, that sort of stuff. I also had alot of horse work to do! At that time we had Dove and Flika, Cinder and her two colts (Max, 3 years and Khodi, yearling), Shekhan Flika's filly (3 years old), Justus Dove's filly (2 years old), and Mini Man...all 3 boys were stallions. AWESOME!!! I had them all snipped within a couple weeks of being home! Sorry boys :) none for you! While I was away my mom did less than nothing in the way of handling any of these youngsters...joy! SO...I had 2, 3 year olds to start under saddle, a 2 year old to introduce new things to, AND a yearling that was scared of his own shadow. I started with Khodi first and got him desensatized...worked with him for about 4 months before selling him to a lady interested in english stuff and ended up pretty much GIVING him away for $250. I got more than that for my weanlings...but I had too many and he needed to go to someone who had the time. Then I forcussed on the 3 year olds...Shekhan I had started under saddle before I left so her tune up was easy...but I still hated that pony! Ended up selling her to a kid just for western trail riding and pleasure riding - stupid thing is that she's selling her in spring now because pony learned that if she acts up, the kid gets off. Whatever. Max was a little harder...he took patience. But his movement was amazing...seriously, you felt like you were on a horse the way he moved! For having such a short back, she was REALLY smooth! I wish he had been bigger...would've kept him! But I sold him to a lady with a 12 year old daughter, they're doing well now in pony club and apparently working towards small jumps! I'm happy with his placement.

Justus was my treasure...she always had been, since the moment she hit the ground. It KILLS me that she topped out at 14.1hh because she really is such a onderful and smart horse! But me being 5'10 I just feel so big on her. I know she can handle my weight, but my height throws us both off sometimes. I'm just blessed to have found such an awesome kid to lease her...she started riding with us last summer and handled Dove like a pro. Awesome seat and amazing balance...and took instruction like she'd thought of it. When I saw this, I saw stars as to how far she could take Justus and offered a lease with my pony. It's still going stong, had it's stare of bumps but stronger than ever now.

I think I went over what happened with Cinder in my last entry...how I sold her January of '08. After I'd finished highschool I spoke to my gramma about college...we agreed that if I found a course I liked then she'd pay for it with my inheritance money from my dad's death. I looked at a couple things but desided on dental assisting because it was one of my interests I guess, was a one year course, and it's something I can take with me wherever I go. Every city has dentists, every dentist needs an assistant. So I spoke to the college advisor and was enrolled to start in like 2 weeks! I didn't think it would all happen so fast but away I went! I have to say now, COLLEGE SUCKED BALLS! I was in a class of 19 where in the year I went the Dean and 2 of the dental teachers left, one of my teachers was diagnosed with breast cancer, AND we pretty much bought our diplomas. There were at LEAST 4 students in my class that should've failed just because of competancy tests being failed...but they passed them anyway because it would look bad on the school to have so many fail. Ick. BUT I worked hard and got through it, graduated in July of '08. After that I started working in an office but that'll be for my next entry...too much to type there! I ended up using friends and trickery to get Cinder back after I'd graduated. Wendy gave me the money and Niki used her powers of disguise to act as a buyer and trick the girl's mom into selling her. Her mom actually told Niki that "Shay-la is NOT to get ahold of this horse!" To which Niki muffled her laughter and agreed...in any case, she's home and I couldn't be happier.

I'm going to have to cut this one short and save work and Eve's purchase for next time because my laptop is REALLY hot right now and I don't want to lose everything I've typed already because it'll shut itself off when it overheats! Later!