OK so I left off with my first job after graduating as a dental assistant...
I had hunted for a total of MAYBE 4 days before getting an on the spot interview at an office within a 5 minute drive from my apartment. I was thrilled when I was asked to return a couple hours later for the interview...I came back, Niki waited in the car and read because we were going to head to the farm afterwards, and the interview took over an hour! I swear that guy has NO friends because half of it wasn't even work related! In any case, I got the job and was asked to start the next day...
All I can say is that my welcome to hell sucked ass! I think I came home FUMING more times than not because this guy would literally pull me aside for 30-40 minutes at a time to rant about things that were unrelated to my job and duties...like how the front was booking people. I'm sorry, but go yell at them then!!! This went on for 2 exhausting months before he actually reduced me to tears from frustration...it was either I punch him, or I start crying and walk out. I opted to cry from the frustration and as I grabbed my jacket to leave he pleaded for me to stay and I started yelling. So the recpetionist at the time came running, hearing my loud abuse towards him and closed the door because there were patients in the chairs still...I really didn't care anymore. I let him have it. Told him to go find a therapist because I wasn't interested in his psycho-babble anymore, that he needed to get off his high horse and realise he DOES need help or he'd be running his own practise without staff, and that starting that day he had no assistant. The receptionist kicked him out and BEGGED me to finish the day because they were double booked and would have to surely cancel half their day without me...so I did, for her though. She wanted me to stay for the following day as well but no chance in hell. Sorry hun, but you should quit too!
I ended up leaving that practise in late October and stayed jobless through the trial...I'll do another post about that whole ordeal...but then started applying again and lucked out. I got a call from Northgate dental asking me to do a working interview. I was pumped, but scared because of my first experience with dentists...so I went and tried my hardest to do what I was taught, and within 3 hours the dentist I was working with told me I was hired. I was thrilled! Her name is Dr. Jay and she's the most wonderful person I've ever met...and I'm not just saying that because she's my boss, but when I honestly don't know something, she'll take the extra 5 minutes to teach me and I'll put the effort in to remember it for next time! I LOVE working with her! The only down side is that I'm only on term with her...so as of late July I'll be jobless again. She's trying to keep me on full time to work with her because she likes me too, but her last assistant is coming back from maturnity leave so it's not like she really gets a choice. I told her that if all she's able to do is keep me a couple days per week, I'll take it because I love working with her. I'll find a suppliment to my income somewhere else, just give me a couple solid days that I know I'm working with her and I'll work around that...to me, it's worth it. I've learned so much from her already and she's so willing to show me new things and explain them as we go. She's convinced that I should go back to school to be a dentist...apparently my understanding of teeth is more than it should be for just assisting. I can see overhangs and things that normal assistants would just ignore...
Anyway, time for dinner and I'll write more later!!!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
So I think I left off last time with coming home from BC and the farm being a mess...
I lived with my mom from when I got home in May 2006 until I moved out with my bestest friend Niki in October 2007. In that time I finished getting my GED through learning centers since the head honcho at the highschool deemed me pschotic after my episodes there through my teens...can't say as I blame him. I had to travel about an hour and a half every day to Winnipeg for my first two credits since I was too late to sign up in town 10 minutes from the farm...but got on there for one of my last two credits. I was dumb and somehow mixed up my courses and couldn't take the same one twice and have it count as two...so I ended up going back to the highschool and BEGGING for them to take me back for ONE credit and he still said no. I went straight to the source and explained my situation to the english teacher and she said to ignore the prncipal...just show up to her class twice a week and she'd sign the dotted line saying I completed the course. So, June 2007 I graduated highschool...I had promised Jenn I wouldn't quit and followed through with it. I was pissed at my mom though because for grad pics I wanted to wear my rings and I had done her dishes and left them beside the sink...she put them in a "safe" place and never found them for 7 months. Oh well, c'est la vie.
While doing that I had alot of work cut out for me...mom had let the fence get run into the ground. We have a 10 acre farm. That's ALOT of fence man!!! So I started by tweeking things to make it safe...tie up loose ends, fix busted posts, that sort of stuff. I also had alot of horse work to do! At that time we had Dove and Flika, Cinder and her two colts (Max, 3 years and Khodi, yearling), Shekhan Flika's filly (3 years old), Justus Dove's filly (2 years old), and Mini Man...all 3 boys were stallions. AWESOME!!! I had them all snipped within a couple weeks of being home! Sorry boys :) none for you! While I was away my mom did less than nothing in the way of handling any of these youngsters...joy! SO...I had 2, 3 year olds to start under saddle, a 2 year old to introduce new things to, AND a yearling that was scared of his own shadow. I started with Khodi first and got him desensatized...worked with him for about 4 months before selling him to a lady interested in english stuff and ended up pretty much GIVING him away for $250. I got more than that for my weanlings...but I had too many and he needed to go to someone who had the time. Then I forcussed on the 3 year olds...Shekhan I had started under saddle before I left so her tune up was easy...but I still hated that pony! Ended up selling her to a kid just for western trail riding and pleasure riding - stupid thing is that she's selling her in spring now because pony learned that if she acts up, the kid gets off. Whatever. Max was a little harder...he took patience. But his movement was amazing...seriously, you felt like you were on a horse the way he moved! For having such a short back, she was REALLY smooth! I wish he had been bigger...would've kept him! But I sold him to a lady with a 12 year old daughter, they're doing well now in pony club and apparently working towards small jumps! I'm happy with his placement.
Justus was my treasure...she always had been, since the moment she hit the ground. It KILLS me that she topped out at 14.1hh because she really is such a onderful and smart horse! But me being 5'10 I just feel so big on her. I know she can handle my weight, but my height throws us both off sometimes. I'm just blessed to have found such an awesome kid to lease her...she started riding with us last summer and handled Dove like a pro. Awesome seat and amazing balance...and took instruction like she'd thought of it. When I saw this, I saw stars as to how far she could take Justus and offered a lease with my pony. It's still going stong, had it's stare of bumps but stronger than ever now.
I think I went over what happened with Cinder in my last entry...how I sold her January of '08. After I'd finished highschool I spoke to my gramma about college...we agreed that if I found a course I liked then she'd pay for it with my inheritance money from my dad's death. I looked at a couple things but desided on dental assisting because it was one of my interests I guess, was a one year course, and it's something I can take with me wherever I go. Every city has dentists, every dentist needs an assistant. So I spoke to the college advisor and was enrolled to start in like 2 weeks! I didn't think it would all happen so fast but away I went! I have to say now, COLLEGE SUCKED BALLS! I was in a class of 19 where in the year I went the Dean and 2 of the dental teachers left, one of my teachers was diagnosed with breast cancer, AND we pretty much bought our diplomas. There were at LEAST 4 students in my class that should've failed just because of competancy tests being failed...but they passed them anyway because it would look bad on the school to have so many fail. Ick. BUT I worked hard and got through it, graduated in July of '08. After that I started working in an office but that'll be for my next entry...too much to type there! I ended up using friends and trickery to get Cinder back after I'd graduated. Wendy gave me the money and Niki used her powers of disguise to act as a buyer and trick the girl's mom into selling her. Her mom actually told Niki that "Shay-la is NOT to get ahold of this horse!" To which Niki muffled her laughter and agreed...in any case, she's home and I couldn't be happier.
I'm going to have to cut this one short and save work and Eve's purchase for next time because my laptop is REALLY hot right now and I don't want to lose everything I've typed already because it'll shut itself off when it overheats! Later!
I lived with my mom from when I got home in May 2006 until I moved out with my bestest friend Niki in October 2007. In that time I finished getting my GED through learning centers since the head honcho at the highschool deemed me pschotic after my episodes there through my teens...can't say as I blame him. I had to travel about an hour and a half every day to Winnipeg for my first two credits since I was too late to sign up in town 10 minutes from the farm...but got on there for one of my last two credits. I was dumb and somehow mixed up my courses and couldn't take the same one twice and have it count as two...so I ended up going back to the highschool and BEGGING for them to take me back for ONE credit and he still said no. I went straight to the source and explained my situation to the english teacher and she said to ignore the prncipal...just show up to her class twice a week and she'd sign the dotted line saying I completed the course. So, June 2007 I graduated highschool...I had promised Jenn I wouldn't quit and followed through with it. I was pissed at my mom though because for grad pics I wanted to wear my rings and I had done her dishes and left them beside the sink...she put them in a "safe" place and never found them for 7 months. Oh well, c'est la vie.
While doing that I had alot of work cut out for me...mom had let the fence get run into the ground. We have a 10 acre farm. That's ALOT of fence man!!! So I started by tweeking things to make it safe...tie up loose ends, fix busted posts, that sort of stuff. I also had alot of horse work to do! At that time we had Dove and Flika, Cinder and her two colts (Max, 3 years and Khodi, yearling), Shekhan Flika's filly (3 years old), Justus Dove's filly (2 years old), and Mini Man...all 3 boys were stallions. AWESOME!!! I had them all snipped within a couple weeks of being home! Sorry boys :) none for you! While I was away my mom did less than nothing in the way of handling any of these youngsters...joy! SO...I had 2, 3 year olds to start under saddle, a 2 year old to introduce new things to, AND a yearling that was scared of his own shadow. I started with Khodi first and got him desensatized...worked with him for about 4 months before selling him to a lady interested in english stuff and ended up pretty much GIVING him away for $250. I got more than that for my weanlings...but I had too many and he needed to go to someone who had the time. Then I forcussed on the 3 year olds...Shekhan I had started under saddle before I left so her tune up was easy...but I still hated that pony! Ended up selling her to a kid just for western trail riding and pleasure riding - stupid thing is that she's selling her in spring now because pony learned that if she acts up, the kid gets off. Whatever. Max was a little harder...he took patience. But his movement was amazing...seriously, you felt like you were on a horse the way he moved! For having such a short back, she was REALLY smooth! I wish he had been bigger...would've kept him! But I sold him to a lady with a 12 year old daughter, they're doing well now in pony club and apparently working towards small jumps! I'm happy with his placement.
Justus was my treasure...she always had been, since the moment she hit the ground. It KILLS me that she topped out at 14.1hh because she really is such a onderful and smart horse! But me being 5'10 I just feel so big on her. I know she can handle my weight, but my height throws us both off sometimes. I'm just blessed to have found such an awesome kid to lease her...she started riding with us last summer and handled Dove like a pro. Awesome seat and amazing balance...and took instruction like she'd thought of it. When I saw this, I saw stars as to how far she could take Justus and offered a lease with my pony. It's still going stong, had it's stare of bumps but stronger than ever now.
I think I went over what happened with Cinder in my last entry...how I sold her January of '08. After I'd finished highschool I spoke to my gramma about college...we agreed that if I found a course I liked then she'd pay for it with my inheritance money from my dad's death. I looked at a couple things but desided on dental assisting because it was one of my interests I guess, was a one year course, and it's something I can take with me wherever I go. Every city has dentists, every dentist needs an assistant. So I spoke to the college advisor and was enrolled to start in like 2 weeks! I didn't think it would all happen so fast but away I went! I have to say now, COLLEGE SUCKED BALLS! I was in a class of 19 where in the year I went the Dean and 2 of the dental teachers left, one of my teachers was diagnosed with breast cancer, AND we pretty much bought our diplomas. There were at LEAST 4 students in my class that should've failed just because of competancy tests being failed...but they passed them anyway because it would look bad on the school to have so many fail. Ick. BUT I worked hard and got through it, graduated in July of '08. After that I started working in an office but that'll be for my next entry...too much to type there! I ended up using friends and trickery to get Cinder back after I'd graduated. Wendy gave me the money and Niki used her powers of disguise to act as a buyer and trick the girl's mom into selling her. Her mom actually told Niki that "Shay-la is NOT to get ahold of this horse!" To which Niki muffled her laughter and agreed...in any case, she's home and I couldn't be happier.
I'm going to have to cut this one short and save work and Eve's purchase for next time because my laptop is REALLY hot right now and I don't want to lose everything I've typed already because it'll shut itself off when it overheats! Later!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Until Now...
So I guess it's smartest to start at the beginning...
I was born in Manitoba, Canada and moved to BC, Canada with my mom, dad, brother, and sister when I was 5 or so. My dad was the most abusive guy I've ever heard of...you name it, he did it. I once saw him hit my mom in the forehead with a 7 pound rock from the driveway...I listened to him beat my brother black and blue with a running shoe for getting a bad mark on something in school...and I witnessed him sexually abuse my sister on a nearly nightly basis since I shared a bedroom with her. This all went on until I was 9 and Jenn, my sister, told my mom what was what when she wasn't around, while my dad was out of province. My mom made the decision to divorce my dad and took Jenn to the cops. My mom drove me out to Manitoba to stay with my aunt, who I didn't remember and went back to BC to confront him. Somehow my dad got wind of all this and figured committing suicide was better than facing jail time. Shortly after my mom came and got me, bringing me back to BC...we stayed there for another 6 months or so before moving back to Manitoba since this is where all our family is.
We lived with my grannie for awhile, then with one of my mom's friends...then some crap house north of town...then back to grannies, and finally my mom bought 10 acres of land and moved a house trailer onto it. Keep in mind that until she finally bought the farm, we changed houses almost every year, so I never bothered making friends, knowing we'd be leaving in 8-14 months. During this time I had gotten very close to my cousin, Kristine and did alot of sleep overs with the 2 of us, Jenn, and her brother Eric. Eric came up with the GRAND idea of playing truth or dare. Imagine if you will me, being only 10 and freshly losing my dad, being dared to run naked to the neighbor's and ring the doorbell. Eric was my first experience with condoms, blow jobs, and anything else his twisted 15 year old male brain could think of. My mind blocked most of this from my memory until I was around 14 though...but the Christmas I was 11 I had figured enough was enough and when he wanted chinanigans, I climbed the Christmas Tree and was small and nimble enough that he never found me...I never went back.
Then in grade 9 all these memories started haunting me...I guess my psyche was ready to deal with the trauma or some damn thing so I would have dreams, nightmares if you will, about what hd happened. I had no idea it had actually happened until I invited Kristine over one night when we were staying at grannie's for the second time around and she told me it was all true...that she had witnessed it all. Finally I was at school one day having a typical horrid day since I was the nerd that the loser kids picked on...and I put myself in my locker at lunch and didn't come out until the school had teachers searching for me. They found me crying in my locker and I was taken to the school counsellor...won't tell my mom my ass! That's the first person she dragged in there after I told her what was wrong! Anyway, I went over what was what again with my mom and of course she started crying...then she took me to the police. Seriously, what are they going to do now? Shake their finger? He was 15 and I was 10! I realise it was boyhood curiosity now but it was still WAY inappropriate and illegal. I just wanted an "I'm sorry". I don't want to get him in trouble, I just want him to see what he did to my now tweeked brain and appologize. He didn't give me that...he denied everything until Jenn told him to smarten the f*ck up! To this day he feels shady about what happened, but thinks he did no wrong. Whatever...
I moved in with my mom at the farm and started babysitting the neighbor kid...who by chance had 2 horses. Both 2 year olds and barely handled. The kid was 11 and new how to make a sandwich so I spent most of the time with the horses and this is when my love for horses began. After a year of saving and the go ahead from mom I started a 6 month battle with the kid's parents trying to get them to sell. After many times running home through the pasture crying because they changed their minds, I started carrying around $500 so when they said ok next time, I'd hand them cash and they couldn't go back on it. Spring 2000 Dove and Flika came home :) I bought Dove, my mom bought Flika. I rode Dove EVERY day for the next year and a half no matter the weather or how long/far. Dove taught me almost everything I know...then Flika taught me to think...and eventually when I wanted to sell Dove and get something a little more firey, mom bought me Cinder and I gave her Dove...Cinder taught me how to hang on and have patience!
About halfway into grade 10 I started losing my mind. I wasn't allowed to see Jenn because she was "unstable" according to my mom and at school I remained the poor bastard that the most unpopular kids wouldn't be seen with. I'm not sure why or how I got to be the loserest of the bunch considering I'm not ugly and I wasn't THAT unfriendly...I just never made friends easily. Sure, I had kids that would smile and say hi as I passed them...but that was as good as it got. I started seriously cutting that year...with paperclips, knives, razor blades...even used my own finger nails to scratch the skin clean off before. I'd use hot lighters to burn myself and do anything that seemed wreckless, hoping to be injured. Pain seemed to make me forget whatever was eating at my brain. It made time stand still, even if it was only for 10 minutes, it was a break. The school counsellor got worried and eventually my mom caught on to what I was doing...she sent me to a stabilization crisis unit in town. GREAT. So now the kids that THOUGHT I was crazy now KNOW I am...thanks.
Things just spiralled from there...I started cutting deeper, needing 5-12 stitches for each one, and my thoughts drifted to suicide. If dad did it, why couldn't I? After 2 attempts my mom admitted me to the Winnipeg Psych Ward in the downtown hospital because I wouldn't sign a paper at the crisis unit saying I would stay safe for 12 hours. My sister moved to an apartment damn near right beside the hospital so she could see me every day and check up on me. This is really when my bond with her started. Through everything with dad she was my rock but I barely remembered that...but she made up for it. I spent my sweet 16th birthday in a hospital gown in a padded room with nothing but a blanket and some anti-psychotics in my system...but Jenn spent that night with me until the nurses kicked her out :) she really was my saving grace. While I was in hospital we talked so much...really got to know and understand each other...shared stories and personal things. She really was my best friend.
Finally 8 months later I had had enough of being crazy and wanted to get on with my life. Took some convincing but I was discharged as a "recovered borderline personality with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and PTSD (post traumatic syndrom disorder). Joy. I learned to live with it and control it best I was able. I was in this time, maybe a little earlier that I learned I was hard of hearing. I had lost 30% in my right ear, and 40% in my left. I was fitted for hearing aids and it took me longer than forever to adjust and accept them. I didn't wear them really until I was 19 or 20...I hated them with a passion because it just made me feel as if I weren't a whole person. When I got home I saw what mom had let happen to the horses...instead of fixing the fence, she LITERALLY kept them in the garage. Dove was able to walk in but I had to break the doorway to get her out since by that time she was nearly 9 months pregnant with her first foal. We had bred her to the neighbor's registered QH stallion before I went into hospital, but she never told me what was happening at the farm...especially the part about them being locked into a 14x20 foot enclosure for 8 months! There was so much crap in there they had to duck their heads when they moved around because of the rafters in the roof...I fixed that within the week. Had a make shift paddock and started mucking...
When I was released I had created such a bond with Jenn that we made plans to move in together and renovate a house. My aunt that had taken me in as a kid had bought the crappy house next to hers and gifted it to us as a project and home. Jenn had recently left her girlfriend of a couple years and was really down so I had to come up with ways to not only occupy her time but make her feel better about herself. I convinced her to come back to school with me. Even though she was 6 years older than me, we would graduate together, side by side. Class was going well and I helped her alot with her homework since we were in the same classes...and renovating the house was a blast! We painted the living room the colors of Scooby Doo because he was her most favorite thing ever! Light purple trim around the room, baby blue walls, and the kitchen was pastel green and we had 2 walls done with newsiding because it was behind the stove and stuff. We painted the bathroom purple and green, and our bedrooms were identical...right down to the checkerboard ceilings! We spent so much time painting...one day I got board and started thowing paint...we had to repaint that room! I loved that house, I loved going to school again because I had my best friend to sit beside...I loved life. I was sane, off meds, in school, and had future goals...I had also purchased a Welsh Pony stallion who sneakily bred all my mares...Dove's foal was going to be given to Jenn since Dove was "her" horse. We wanted her to actually have a horse of her own and Dove's foal was it.
Mother's Day 2005 that was ripped away.
Jenn was killed in a car crash one month before graduation by a guy, Stephen Keep, with no license driving a stolen car with Meth in his system. I was crushed. Still am I guess. Jenn was on her way to see a movie with her new girlfriend and 2 other friends when Keep drove into oncoming traffic. The car ahead of my sister's swerved out of the way just in time and a second later Jenn was gone. We're told it was instant and I hope so...after seeing the car later it didn't look livable. Jenn was the only fatality. The driver and her girlfriend each broke a leg, and the guy in the passenger seat had a concussion...that's it. Keep's injuries were more serious...he burst a vein in his heart or something and was rushed to hospital, as were the others. We got a phone call around 10pm that night saying Jenn was in a car accident and we needed to come to the hospital...
My sister was the type to phone you crying when she got a hangnail or sliver...we knew it was serious. But honestly I expected them to tell us she was in critical condition or surgery or something...give us options or information on how to fix it. Instead we were handed her personal belongings and told they were so sorry but they couldn't do anything. My mom started BAWLING. I just sat in disbelief. Watch the woman I had known to be so strong break down in front of my eyes. My mom has never been the same since. We were then led to the closed room where Jenn was, she didn't look that bad. Her head had a bandage and she was pale, but she looked as if she could be sleeping. First thing I did was take her hand...it was cold. Mom continued to sob and after 5-10 minutes she left the room to give me a little time. I still hadn't shed a tear. I remember checking her chest and yeah, she had been wearing a seatbelt...she was blue and purple from it. I then took her gecko ring off her finger and promised her I'd live for both of us as long as I could.
From there we went to see her friends that had been in the car with her and told them what had happened since NONE of the doctors seemed to think it was important for them to know Jenn's condition. I have never heard people scream as loud as they did. My mom moaned in emotional agony...but they actually screamed! Then we were asked to leave...
I stayed at the farm from May until August because I couldn't go in our house anymore. Dove's filly was born a little over a week after Jenn died and we named her Justus, as in Just Us. In August I desided I needed to just get away from everything. I moved to BC to live with my uncle for 9 months. In that time I had a couple different jobs and got my foot back in the door to finish school. When my semester was finished I had been horseless for WAY too long and wanted to go home...so I did. When I got back, the farm was a wreck. I've been fixing it ever since. I *almost* think I never should have left. I ended up selling 3 of the ponies produced from the Welsh stallion and the mares, keeping Justus though. I got my ass in gear and finished up school with alot of difficulty and with the help of my Gramma and my inheritance I attended college to be a dental assistant. During college I sold Cinder and regretted it instantly...ended up buying her back when the stupid kid I sold her to left her at her parent's place and they sold her from under the kid. Used some trickery but we got her back!
I know I've missed ALOT in there but my fingers hurt from typing so I'll end it here and give you an up to date next time...trust me, there's alot more where this came from, but the cramps in my hands are getting to me!
Til next time,
Shay-la
I was born in Manitoba, Canada and moved to BC, Canada with my mom, dad, brother, and sister when I was 5 or so. My dad was the most abusive guy I've ever heard of...you name it, he did it. I once saw him hit my mom in the forehead with a 7 pound rock from the driveway...I listened to him beat my brother black and blue with a running shoe for getting a bad mark on something in school...and I witnessed him sexually abuse my sister on a nearly nightly basis since I shared a bedroom with her. This all went on until I was 9 and Jenn, my sister, told my mom what was what when she wasn't around, while my dad was out of province. My mom made the decision to divorce my dad and took Jenn to the cops. My mom drove me out to Manitoba to stay with my aunt, who I didn't remember and went back to BC to confront him. Somehow my dad got wind of all this and figured committing suicide was better than facing jail time. Shortly after my mom came and got me, bringing me back to BC...we stayed there for another 6 months or so before moving back to Manitoba since this is where all our family is.
We lived with my grannie for awhile, then with one of my mom's friends...then some crap house north of town...then back to grannies, and finally my mom bought 10 acres of land and moved a house trailer onto it. Keep in mind that until she finally bought the farm, we changed houses almost every year, so I never bothered making friends, knowing we'd be leaving in 8-14 months. During this time I had gotten very close to my cousin, Kristine and did alot of sleep overs with the 2 of us, Jenn, and her brother Eric. Eric came up with the GRAND idea of playing truth or dare. Imagine if you will me, being only 10 and freshly losing my dad, being dared to run naked to the neighbor's and ring the doorbell. Eric was my first experience with condoms, blow jobs, and anything else his twisted 15 year old male brain could think of. My mind blocked most of this from my memory until I was around 14 though...but the Christmas I was 11 I had figured enough was enough and when he wanted chinanigans, I climbed the Christmas Tree and was small and nimble enough that he never found me...I never went back.
Then in grade 9 all these memories started haunting me...I guess my psyche was ready to deal with the trauma or some damn thing so I would have dreams, nightmares if you will, about what hd happened. I had no idea it had actually happened until I invited Kristine over one night when we were staying at grannie's for the second time around and she told me it was all true...that she had witnessed it all. Finally I was at school one day having a typical horrid day since I was the nerd that the loser kids picked on...and I put myself in my locker at lunch and didn't come out until the school had teachers searching for me. They found me crying in my locker and I was taken to the school counsellor...won't tell my mom my ass! That's the first person she dragged in there after I told her what was wrong! Anyway, I went over what was what again with my mom and of course she started crying...then she took me to the police. Seriously, what are they going to do now? Shake their finger? He was 15 and I was 10! I realise it was boyhood curiosity now but it was still WAY inappropriate and illegal. I just wanted an "I'm sorry". I don't want to get him in trouble, I just want him to see what he did to my now tweeked brain and appologize. He didn't give me that...he denied everything until Jenn told him to smarten the f*ck up! To this day he feels shady about what happened, but thinks he did no wrong. Whatever...
I moved in with my mom at the farm and started babysitting the neighbor kid...who by chance had 2 horses. Both 2 year olds and barely handled. The kid was 11 and new how to make a sandwich so I spent most of the time with the horses and this is when my love for horses began. After a year of saving and the go ahead from mom I started a 6 month battle with the kid's parents trying to get them to sell. After many times running home through the pasture crying because they changed their minds, I started carrying around $500 so when they said ok next time, I'd hand them cash and they couldn't go back on it. Spring 2000 Dove and Flika came home :) I bought Dove, my mom bought Flika. I rode Dove EVERY day for the next year and a half no matter the weather or how long/far. Dove taught me almost everything I know...then Flika taught me to think...and eventually when I wanted to sell Dove and get something a little more firey, mom bought me Cinder and I gave her Dove...Cinder taught me how to hang on and have patience!
About halfway into grade 10 I started losing my mind. I wasn't allowed to see Jenn because she was "unstable" according to my mom and at school I remained the poor bastard that the most unpopular kids wouldn't be seen with. I'm not sure why or how I got to be the loserest of the bunch considering I'm not ugly and I wasn't THAT unfriendly...I just never made friends easily. Sure, I had kids that would smile and say hi as I passed them...but that was as good as it got. I started seriously cutting that year...with paperclips, knives, razor blades...even used my own finger nails to scratch the skin clean off before. I'd use hot lighters to burn myself and do anything that seemed wreckless, hoping to be injured. Pain seemed to make me forget whatever was eating at my brain. It made time stand still, even if it was only for 10 minutes, it was a break. The school counsellor got worried and eventually my mom caught on to what I was doing...she sent me to a stabilization crisis unit in town. GREAT. So now the kids that THOUGHT I was crazy now KNOW I am...thanks.
Things just spiralled from there...I started cutting deeper, needing 5-12 stitches for each one, and my thoughts drifted to suicide. If dad did it, why couldn't I? After 2 attempts my mom admitted me to the Winnipeg Psych Ward in the downtown hospital because I wouldn't sign a paper at the crisis unit saying I would stay safe for 12 hours. My sister moved to an apartment damn near right beside the hospital so she could see me every day and check up on me. This is really when my bond with her started. Through everything with dad she was my rock but I barely remembered that...but she made up for it. I spent my sweet 16th birthday in a hospital gown in a padded room with nothing but a blanket and some anti-psychotics in my system...but Jenn spent that night with me until the nurses kicked her out :) she really was my saving grace. While I was in hospital we talked so much...really got to know and understand each other...shared stories and personal things. She really was my best friend.
Finally 8 months later I had had enough of being crazy and wanted to get on with my life. Took some convincing but I was discharged as a "recovered borderline personality with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and PTSD (post traumatic syndrom disorder). Joy. I learned to live with it and control it best I was able. I was in this time, maybe a little earlier that I learned I was hard of hearing. I had lost 30% in my right ear, and 40% in my left. I was fitted for hearing aids and it took me longer than forever to adjust and accept them. I didn't wear them really until I was 19 or 20...I hated them with a passion because it just made me feel as if I weren't a whole person. When I got home I saw what mom had let happen to the horses...instead of fixing the fence, she LITERALLY kept them in the garage. Dove was able to walk in but I had to break the doorway to get her out since by that time she was nearly 9 months pregnant with her first foal. We had bred her to the neighbor's registered QH stallion before I went into hospital, but she never told me what was happening at the farm...especially the part about them being locked into a 14x20 foot enclosure for 8 months! There was so much crap in there they had to duck their heads when they moved around because of the rafters in the roof...I fixed that within the week. Had a make shift paddock and started mucking...
When I was released I had created such a bond with Jenn that we made plans to move in together and renovate a house. My aunt that had taken me in as a kid had bought the crappy house next to hers and gifted it to us as a project and home. Jenn had recently left her girlfriend of a couple years and was really down so I had to come up with ways to not only occupy her time but make her feel better about herself. I convinced her to come back to school with me. Even though she was 6 years older than me, we would graduate together, side by side. Class was going well and I helped her alot with her homework since we were in the same classes...and renovating the house was a blast! We painted the living room the colors of Scooby Doo because he was her most favorite thing ever! Light purple trim around the room, baby blue walls, and the kitchen was pastel green and we had 2 walls done with newsiding because it was behind the stove and stuff. We painted the bathroom purple and green, and our bedrooms were identical...right down to the checkerboard ceilings! We spent so much time painting...one day I got board and started thowing paint...we had to repaint that room! I loved that house, I loved going to school again because I had my best friend to sit beside...I loved life. I was sane, off meds, in school, and had future goals...I had also purchased a Welsh Pony stallion who sneakily bred all my mares...Dove's foal was going to be given to Jenn since Dove was "her" horse. We wanted her to actually have a horse of her own and Dove's foal was it.
Mother's Day 2005 that was ripped away.
Jenn was killed in a car crash one month before graduation by a guy, Stephen Keep, with no license driving a stolen car with Meth in his system. I was crushed. Still am I guess. Jenn was on her way to see a movie with her new girlfriend and 2 other friends when Keep drove into oncoming traffic. The car ahead of my sister's swerved out of the way just in time and a second later Jenn was gone. We're told it was instant and I hope so...after seeing the car later it didn't look livable. Jenn was the only fatality. The driver and her girlfriend each broke a leg, and the guy in the passenger seat had a concussion...that's it. Keep's injuries were more serious...he burst a vein in his heart or something and was rushed to hospital, as were the others. We got a phone call around 10pm that night saying Jenn was in a car accident and we needed to come to the hospital...
My sister was the type to phone you crying when she got a hangnail or sliver...we knew it was serious. But honestly I expected them to tell us she was in critical condition or surgery or something...give us options or information on how to fix it. Instead we were handed her personal belongings and told they were so sorry but they couldn't do anything. My mom started BAWLING. I just sat in disbelief. Watch the woman I had known to be so strong break down in front of my eyes. My mom has never been the same since. We were then led to the closed room where Jenn was, she didn't look that bad. Her head had a bandage and she was pale, but she looked as if she could be sleeping. First thing I did was take her hand...it was cold. Mom continued to sob and after 5-10 minutes she left the room to give me a little time. I still hadn't shed a tear. I remember checking her chest and yeah, she had been wearing a seatbelt...she was blue and purple from it. I then took her gecko ring off her finger and promised her I'd live for both of us as long as I could.
From there we went to see her friends that had been in the car with her and told them what had happened since NONE of the doctors seemed to think it was important for them to know Jenn's condition. I have never heard people scream as loud as they did. My mom moaned in emotional agony...but they actually screamed! Then we were asked to leave...
I stayed at the farm from May until August because I couldn't go in our house anymore. Dove's filly was born a little over a week after Jenn died and we named her Justus, as in Just Us. In August I desided I needed to just get away from everything. I moved to BC to live with my uncle for 9 months. In that time I had a couple different jobs and got my foot back in the door to finish school. When my semester was finished I had been horseless for WAY too long and wanted to go home...so I did. When I got back, the farm was a wreck. I've been fixing it ever since. I *almost* think I never should have left. I ended up selling 3 of the ponies produced from the Welsh stallion and the mares, keeping Justus though. I got my ass in gear and finished up school with alot of difficulty and with the help of my Gramma and my inheritance I attended college to be a dental assistant. During college I sold Cinder and regretted it instantly...ended up buying her back when the stupid kid I sold her to left her at her parent's place and they sold her from under the kid. Used some trickery but we got her back!
I know I've missed ALOT in there but my fingers hurt from typing so I'll end it here and give you an up to date next time...trust me, there's alot more where this came from, but the cramps in my hands are getting to me!
Til next time,
Shay-la
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