We brought all the mares back to the farm, including Jynx, May 2. My mom can act crazy sometimes, but it's usually limited to beads and puzzles...it stays inside. Betty has some "different" versions of how to imprint a day old foal...we tucked tail, packed up, and headed home! Heck, my mom complained just today about having to walk around to each of the horses today and feed them. OMG no! Not actually LOOK at the animals you've owned for the last 7 years!!! How dare I ask her to do that? PFFFT. Need to have a talk with her, but I'm still SO relieved to be back home!
We're integrating Jynx with Dove, Cinder, Zierra, and Eve this weekend...should have some fun stories! So far we've had all of them together in the paddck except Eve - she cornered Jynx in the paddok at Betty's once and it was a hard time to get her off her! So we plan to turn Jynx out with Dove after walking her around the fenceline a couple times, add Cinder after a couple hours, then Zierra. Halfway through the day toss Eve in and hope Jynx remembers where the fence was while they sort their shit out. They've all stared at each other for 2 weeks now, been introduced for a couple hours in the paddok twice this week...whatever's left to sort out can be done in the big pasture! We'll have Justus and Flika to go round them up if someone breaks out...*thinks positive thoughts* CRAP.
OMG Eve struck out with her front leg at Niki when she was introducing the clippers! I shanked her hard about 4 times and made her back up a ways, took the clippers and went right back at it - rubbing it on her neck and flicking it on and off...stood fine so I called it a day. Would like to do more with her tomorrow on that...just have to watch her tootsies. I don't think she's a striker per se, was just a violent reaction to something scary. I hear you, what's the difference? I just don't think it was an intentional act to get Niki so much as an "OMFG GIT" scared moment. Either way it'll take out my knee so I have to do something about it, I just don't see it being a recurring probem.
I got my new saddle today!!! I bought Wendy's brand new english package from her for $350. Includes all purpose saddle, bright red blanket, stirups, leathers, and MASSIVE bridal! I have to go pick up a couple bits though...one for Eve and one for Flika. Her's was moved onto a blue bridal for Jynx but I think it was Niki's bit anyway so no harm in having extras. I was using Dove's just to let Eve get the feel of the bit, but after further examination it's HUGE in her 2 year old mouth! I think it might be big on Dove too! Anyway, need to restock.
Well, that's all for tonight...will update after the weekend, if I remember! We'll see!
Shay-la
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Moving the Mares
We moved the horses last weekend...what a nightmare. I suppose overall it wasn't THAT bad, but ugh...please no. Niki and I have already agreed that any hauling from here on before we get our 4 horse stock trailer will be done by hired drivers. Most likely Bird's Hill Ranch guys...lots of experience and kick ass rig. Sign me up!
Anyway, Niki and her dad went to get the trailer with the truck and Ashley and I went to the farm to gather all our horse stuff and haul it up the driveway, and get ponies ready. Well the trailer had a flat tire so Niki's dad, bless him, changed it and filled the tires on the way to the farm. Ashley and I had everything ready and horses on lead ropes standing at the end of the driveway. They pull up and Niki goes to load Zierra first.
Now, you have to understand the level of FUCKTARD the guy that designed this trailer was...not only was it almost IDENTICAL to our trailer that we know they hate, but it was twice as long and twice as dark/scary. Zierra took the first step into the trailer, which was nearly THREE FEET off the ground, and hauled ass backwards. Pulled a Szerina, if you will, but without the head bashing. Probably because she wouldn't get in far enough to hit the roof in the first place. We did everything but light her tail on fire to get her in, including what looked like a "cowboy beating" with the chain end of a lead...
So NEXT, we try Justus. Bless her pony stupidity she wasn't focussed on how long the trailer was, just the GIANT step up in front of her! So after weaving and looking at it for 20 seconds she stepped up and in...once in she balked once but walked the rest of the plank no problem. I tied her in, got the butt-bar (yes, bar...not rope or chain), and closed the divider door.
We go back to Zierra...get Niki's dad to haul on her head using the center divider as leverage, and Niki and I each with a shoulder on either side of her ass...after a few good heaves she pops up and casually walks to the front past Niki's dad. LOL seriously horse, I understand why you HATE this thing, but the cool pizazz attitude once IN is just irritating! If you're going to be dumb and play scared, play it to the end at least...it's like she gives you this look after she's desided the trailer's ok that says "ha ha, fooled you" and then she's all cool and calm...jackass.
Anyway, those two are in and now it's Eve's turn. Heh. She watched those two...doesn't look like a fun place to be. We started easy and just encouraged her, tried tapping herbutt with a leadope, Niki gave a shove on her butt...but it came down to Niki's dad on her head same as with Zierra, I put a lead around her left front pasturn and hand lifted her leg to step up with the lead just to keep it there, and Niki and I pretended to be tough and linked arms behind her and literally HEAVED her in. LOL I felt so strong after...but Clydy or not she's still only a 2 year old! She was in within 5 minutes and we were locked and loaded. Filled the car with saddles, the truck with the bins and crap and we on the road shortly after.
I followed in my car with Ashley because the tiny cab seats behind the driver in the truck cab didn't appeal to me...so Niki went with her dad in the truck. We get to the end of my road so I call Betty to tell her we're on our way...and I see brake lights and the trailer rocking.
OMG.
NOT AGAIN.
Seriously, Betty answered and this is what I said, "Hey Betty, it's Shay-la, just calling to let you know we're on our waaaaaa....hold on...holy fuck...maybe not gotta go bye..." CLICK. Poor Betty was probably worried because I didn't call her back!
Turned out Justus hauled back on her lead and BENT the metal butt-bar AND divider door! We had to lift the door off it's hinges to get Justus out! Anyway, Niki opened the back escape door first thinking it was probably Eve...nothing, she's standing fine. I get there when she opens the front escape door and Justus was literally in the process of shitting her pants and shaking terrified. We don't know what spooked her but holy dammit pony has some power!
So we close the door again and start moving...didn't stop other than turning until we got to Betty's. The rest of the drive was flawless. Once at Betty's I take Eve out first and that's fine, get Zierra out all good, lift the door off Justus' stall and get her out and she SCREAMS at the Welsh Pony stallion. Awesome...pony's in her first heat. I ended up letting Ashley walk Eve and I took Justus because she was being a cow. Put them in their new paddock and realise the fence is/has literally fallen apart. We stayed an extra 2-3 hours to fix their fencing. Isn't this why I left the farm?!
Bah...so far this place is questionable and Niki and I already have a plan to bring the horses back in a couple months. Give it a month or two to settle in and if it's still bunk, take them back. There's two idiots there too...first impressions stick and neither of them even said hello. And that's after I walked up saying, "nice filly, will she be ok if I walk past with this?" I was carting a 2 level saddle rack. She said, "Actually, yeah..." and made me put it outside the barn and wait until she was done standing in there! Then she was trying to lunge the completely and obviously clueless yearling on a lead rope. She nearly got kicked in the head at least 3 times. Whatever...not my horse, not my problem.
Well, it's getting late now and I work in the morning...going to head to bed!
Nite
Shay-la
Anyway, Niki and her dad went to get the trailer with the truck and Ashley and I went to the farm to gather all our horse stuff and haul it up the driveway, and get ponies ready. Well the trailer had a flat tire so Niki's dad, bless him, changed it and filled the tires on the way to the farm. Ashley and I had everything ready and horses on lead ropes standing at the end of the driveway. They pull up and Niki goes to load Zierra first.
Now, you have to understand the level of FUCKTARD the guy that designed this trailer was...not only was it almost IDENTICAL to our trailer that we know they hate, but it was twice as long and twice as dark/scary. Zierra took the first step into the trailer, which was nearly THREE FEET off the ground, and hauled ass backwards. Pulled a Szerina, if you will, but without the head bashing. Probably because she wouldn't get in far enough to hit the roof in the first place. We did everything but light her tail on fire to get her in, including what looked like a "cowboy beating" with the chain end of a lead...
So NEXT, we try Justus. Bless her pony stupidity she wasn't focussed on how long the trailer was, just the GIANT step up in front of her! So after weaving and looking at it for 20 seconds she stepped up and in...once in she balked once but walked the rest of the plank no problem. I tied her in, got the butt-bar (yes, bar...not rope or chain), and closed the divider door.
We go back to Zierra...get Niki's dad to haul on her head using the center divider as leverage, and Niki and I each with a shoulder on either side of her ass...after a few good heaves she pops up and casually walks to the front past Niki's dad. LOL seriously horse, I understand why you HATE this thing, but the cool pizazz attitude once IN is just irritating! If you're going to be dumb and play scared, play it to the end at least...it's like she gives you this look after she's desided the trailer's ok that says "ha ha, fooled you" and then she's all cool and calm...jackass.
Anyway, those two are in and now it's Eve's turn. Heh. She watched those two...doesn't look like a fun place to be. We started easy and just encouraged her, tried tapping herbutt with a leadope, Niki gave a shove on her butt...but it came down to Niki's dad on her head same as with Zierra, I put a lead around her left front pasturn and hand lifted her leg to step up with the lead just to keep it there, and Niki and I pretended to be tough and linked arms behind her and literally HEAVED her in. LOL I felt so strong after...but Clydy or not she's still only a 2 year old! She was in within 5 minutes and we were locked and loaded. Filled the car with saddles, the truck with the bins and crap and we on the road shortly after.
I followed in my car with Ashley because the tiny cab seats behind the driver in the truck cab didn't appeal to me...so Niki went with her dad in the truck. We get to the end of my road so I call Betty to tell her we're on our way...and I see brake lights and the trailer rocking.
OMG.
NOT AGAIN.
Seriously, Betty answered and this is what I said, "Hey Betty, it's Shay-la, just calling to let you know we're on our waaaaaa....hold on...holy fuck...maybe not gotta go bye..." CLICK. Poor Betty was probably worried because I didn't call her back!
Turned out Justus hauled back on her lead and BENT the metal butt-bar AND divider door! We had to lift the door off it's hinges to get Justus out! Anyway, Niki opened the back escape door first thinking it was probably Eve...nothing, she's standing fine. I get there when she opens the front escape door and Justus was literally in the process of shitting her pants and shaking terrified. We don't know what spooked her but holy dammit pony has some power!
So we close the door again and start moving...didn't stop other than turning until we got to Betty's. The rest of the drive was flawless. Once at Betty's I take Eve out first and that's fine, get Zierra out all good, lift the door off Justus' stall and get her out and she SCREAMS at the Welsh Pony stallion. Awesome...pony's in her first heat. I ended up letting Ashley walk Eve and I took Justus because she was being a cow. Put them in their new paddock and realise the fence is/has literally fallen apart. We stayed an extra 2-3 hours to fix their fencing. Isn't this why I left the farm?!
Bah...so far this place is questionable and Niki and I already have a plan to bring the horses back in a couple months. Give it a month or two to settle in and if it's still bunk, take them back. There's two idiots there too...first impressions stick and neither of them even said hello. And that's after I walked up saying, "nice filly, will she be ok if I walk past with this?" I was carting a 2 level saddle rack. She said, "Actually, yeah..." and made me put it outside the barn and wait until she was done standing in there! Then she was trying to lunge the completely and obviously clueless yearling on a lead rope. She nearly got kicked in the head at least 3 times. Whatever...not my horse, not my problem.
Well, it's getting late now and I work in the morning...going to head to bed!
Nite
Shay-la
Friday, March 27, 2009
So shit hit the fan...but as usually, I'm the one throwing the shit so I guess I can't complain.
Since the whole mad thing with Bradey happened, I can't sit nex to him without sweaty palms and twitchy legs. I just can't get comfortable around him whether we're with people or alone...
So today I told him sorry, I guess I'm just not cut out for this, but it's over. Now he's on some rampage where he won't give back the $130 gold ring I gave him because I can't find one of his shitty old sweaters...aparently it has sentimental value. OH YEAH, and he wants the new PBR sweater he bought me for my birthday a little over a week ago. I told him to just hawk the ring for the PBR and fucked if I know where the other one is. He's not taking it though...he NEEDS that old white sweater back...like his life depends on it man!
Whatever...I searched high and low both at the farm and the apartment, Moki checked the car and trunk...this thing grew legs and is GONE. I don't care...fuck it. Keep the stupid ring. And go knit yourself a new sweater because I don't fucking have it! My bet is that it's at the bottom of his own damn closet and he forgot...
that's all for tonight...
Later
Since the whole mad thing with Bradey happened, I can't sit nex to him without sweaty palms and twitchy legs. I just can't get comfortable around him whether we're with people or alone...
So today I told him sorry, I guess I'm just not cut out for this, but it's over. Now he's on some rampage where he won't give back the $130 gold ring I gave him because I can't find one of his shitty old sweaters...aparently it has sentimental value. OH YEAH, and he wants the new PBR sweater he bought me for my birthday a little over a week ago. I told him to just hawk the ring for the PBR and fucked if I know where the other one is. He's not taking it though...he NEEDS that old white sweater back...like his life depends on it man!
Whatever...I searched high and low both at the farm and the apartment, Moki checked the car and trunk...this thing grew legs and is GONE. I don't care...fuck it. Keep the stupid ring. And go knit yourself a new sweater because I don't fucking have it! My bet is that it's at the bottom of his own damn closet and he forgot...
that's all for tonight...
Later
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Crazy Weekend...
Not quite the birthday weekend I expected, but could always be worse.
Friday I worked, nothing special...
Saturday I worked til 2pm, picked up Ashley and Niki and went to the farm. I was a little put off at first about how plans were made since it was my birthday Sunday and they were the ones riding...but Niki came and helped a bunch for the hard part before they left and I needed to finish the second strand on the pasture. Plus I had nobody to ride...Flika and Zierra are out with leg owwies, Cinder's back is screwed, and Eve's only 2 and untrained. I'm sure I could have doubled on Dove, but I had crap to finish...then we went back to the apartment and had a cooler, then over to Pro Bull Riding (PBR) which was like a 3 block walk from the apartment. Bradey came with us and it was really fun! Rode the mechanical bull before we went in to watch and after my ride the guy at the table told me about some cometition they have at a local bar - said there's a king and queen every month or something, said I should give it a shot! Made my day...Betty came with us too, that's where we're bringing all the horses. She's really nice, and one of her boarders came. Afterwards we went back to the apartment for "girl's night" and I guess I wasn't clear on that part because Bradey stayed til 1am...not like I'm going to kick him out. Plus the one cooler I had turned my stomach something aweful! I wasn't in a drinking mood anymore...anyway, he went home and we all went to bed shortly after.
Today we got out to the farm at noon and holy crap, looking back now I got ALOT of shit done! I finished the second strand, complete with 2 gates, walked the entire fenceline of all the pastures and round pens, spent over an hour trying to get the big pasture hot but failed, dragged over the huge palate for under the tire in the round pen for Justus, Flika, and Mini Man, carried the tub over on my back from the paddock, AND we tarped the hay...was solid hours of chores with maybe 2, 15 minute breaks. I'm sore now...but it was worth it.
Tomorrow I plan to take down some of the extra strands on the big pasture and tighten the cable wire. I'm looking forward to being finished with this stupid fence! I want it all done RIGHT so that if something stops working, it'll be obvious because it's not that crap yellow braid wire and all the insulators are new...no extra pieces or splicing to worry about.
I hate to say it but Flika is screwed...my mom's never letting her in the big pasture. Ever. She escapes from everything...I can't really blame my mom, but that's no life for her. At least now she'll have Mini Manas a companion instead of being the loner horse in the round pen. She'll be in there with him for a couple weeks, maybe a month until this water drains off the farm, then back into the paddock together. Dove and Cinder get the big pasture.
More and more as I'm thinking about buying this wagon to teach the horses to pull, I'm thinking I should see if Cinder will go well in it. It's no actual weight on her back and that's what hurts...carrying me and my saddle on her sore spot. Wonder if the small 2 man cart with me in it would put similar weight on her? I don't want to hurt her, but if I can find a way to still use her and cause no pain, then I can still spend so much time with her...I've been just grooming her a couple times a week lately and she's loving it...might try ground driving her a little bit tomorrow too and see what she thinks. Might not though because it's supposed to rain...we'll see how bitchy mother nature is when we get there.
Well, enough typing for one night...later!
Friday I worked, nothing special...
Saturday I worked til 2pm, picked up Ashley and Niki and went to the farm. I was a little put off at first about how plans were made since it was my birthday Sunday and they were the ones riding...but Niki came and helped a bunch for the hard part before they left and I needed to finish the second strand on the pasture. Plus I had nobody to ride...Flika and Zierra are out with leg owwies, Cinder's back is screwed, and Eve's only 2 and untrained. I'm sure I could have doubled on Dove, but I had crap to finish...then we went back to the apartment and had a cooler, then over to Pro Bull Riding (PBR) which was like a 3 block walk from the apartment. Bradey came with us and it was really fun! Rode the mechanical bull before we went in to watch and after my ride the guy at the table told me about some cometition they have at a local bar - said there's a king and queen every month or something, said I should give it a shot! Made my day...Betty came with us too, that's where we're bringing all the horses. She's really nice, and one of her boarders came. Afterwards we went back to the apartment for "girl's night" and I guess I wasn't clear on that part because Bradey stayed til 1am...not like I'm going to kick him out. Plus the one cooler I had turned my stomach something aweful! I wasn't in a drinking mood anymore...anyway, he went home and we all went to bed shortly after.
Today we got out to the farm at noon and holy crap, looking back now I got ALOT of shit done! I finished the second strand, complete with 2 gates, walked the entire fenceline of all the pastures and round pens, spent over an hour trying to get the big pasture hot but failed, dragged over the huge palate for under the tire in the round pen for Justus, Flika, and Mini Man, carried the tub over on my back from the paddock, AND we tarped the hay...was solid hours of chores with maybe 2, 15 minute breaks. I'm sore now...but it was worth it.
Tomorrow I plan to take down some of the extra strands on the big pasture and tighten the cable wire. I'm looking forward to being finished with this stupid fence! I want it all done RIGHT so that if something stops working, it'll be obvious because it's not that crap yellow braid wire and all the insulators are new...no extra pieces or splicing to worry about.
I hate to say it but Flika is screwed...my mom's never letting her in the big pasture. Ever. She escapes from everything...I can't really blame my mom, but that's no life for her. At least now she'll have Mini Manas a companion instead of being the loner horse in the round pen. She'll be in there with him for a couple weeks, maybe a month until this water drains off the farm, then back into the paddock together. Dove and Cinder get the big pasture.
More and more as I'm thinking about buying this wagon to teach the horses to pull, I'm thinking I should see if Cinder will go well in it. It's no actual weight on her back and that's what hurts...carrying me and my saddle on her sore spot. Wonder if the small 2 man cart with me in it would put similar weight on her? I don't want to hurt her, but if I can find a way to still use her and cause no pain, then I can still spend so much time with her...I've been just grooming her a couple times a week lately and she's loving it...might try ground driving her a little bit tomorrow too and see what she thinks. Might not though because it's supposed to rain...we'll see how bitchy mother nature is when we get there.
Well, enough typing for one night...later!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Since my last post I talked to Bradey and we've smoothed things over. We love each other and I'd feel stupid throwing that away over one misunderstanding. Had he understood my letter and still reacted that way it would be another story...but if he honestly didn't get what I had written, then I think it's worth another shot.
Onto other news...
This month is Ashley's and my birthdays. We're 3 days apart so we were going to have a combined birthday party :) well my gift was a big secret and stayed that way until I gave it to her today...I told her Niki and I were staying at the farm lastnight so she would need her mom to drive her out today. Her mom said she and some other people had to be somewhere for 12:30 so she was being dropped off at noon...they pulled halfway down the driveway and everyone unloaded...Niki started video taping same as Ashley's mom so she kinda knew something was up...
I've never actually seen the facial expression "OMFG" before today.
I walked out from behind the garage and into Ashley's view to present her with her new, decked out in pink, pony. Justus is all hers and I'm happy to home her with Ashley. I honestly don't know of anyone that will love that pony as much as, if not more, than I do. I didn't want to sell Justus and lose her so this seems like a PERFECT solution! I'm able to help Ashley's dreamscome true in owning her first horse AND stay connected with my baby! Best of both worlds...I'm seriously on cloud 9 right now, as I'm sure Ashley is as well...
Well, that's all for today...
Onto other news...
This month is Ashley's and my birthdays. We're 3 days apart so we were going to have a combined birthday party :) well my gift was a big secret and stayed that way until I gave it to her today...I told her Niki and I were staying at the farm lastnight so she would need her mom to drive her out today. Her mom said she and some other people had to be somewhere for 12:30 so she was being dropped off at noon...they pulled halfway down the driveway and everyone unloaded...Niki started video taping same as Ashley's mom so she kinda knew something was up...
I've never actually seen the facial expression "OMFG" before today.
I walked out from behind the garage and into Ashley's view to present her with her new, decked out in pink, pony. Justus is all hers and I'm happy to home her with Ashley. I honestly don't know of anyone that will love that pony as much as, if not more, than I do. I didn't want to sell Justus and lose her so this seems like a PERFECT solution! I'm able to help Ashley's dreamscome true in owning her first horse AND stay connected with my baby! Best of both worlds...I'm seriously on cloud 9 right now, as I'm sure Ashley is as well...
Well, that's all for today...
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Well it's over...
I chose it too...after what he's shown me of himself in the last couple days, I don't want my forever to be like that. I didn't sign up for adult temper tantrums, pouting, and yelling.
Not much more to say really...just figured I'd update since my last entry was about my letter to him. I have yet to really write about Eve or the latest about Cinder...but I'm not exactly in a typing mood right now.
To be honest, I'm feeling my first urges to cut in a LONG time. But I know Moki's in the room next to me and will thoroughly kick my ass if I do so...yeah...none for me!
I chose it too...after what he's shown me of himself in the last couple days, I don't want my forever to be like that. I didn't sign up for adult temper tantrums, pouting, and yelling.
Not much more to say really...just figured I'd update since my last entry was about my letter to him. I have yet to really write about Eve or the latest about Cinder...but I'm not exactly in a typing mood right now.
To be honest, I'm feeling my first urges to cut in a LONG time. But I know Moki's in the room next to me and will thoroughly kick my ass if I do so...yeah...none for me!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
K I'm sorry but this is a "What The Fuck?!" entry...
So I have communication issues. When I get frazzled or worked up, talking is not my strong suit so no matter who it's to I usually will write a letter to them to let them know how I'm feeling. Well lately I've been a bit frazzled with Bradey so following my own footsteps I wrote him a long letter...please read...also please ignore the lack of english skills...the one I wrote was well spaced and paragraphed but apparently copy and paste doesn't allow for grammar! And I'm too lazy to go through the whole thing to fix it...well maybe I'll make the paragraphs LOL
Hey Pookie,
I have no idea why but I'm really struggling with opening up to you lately. There seems to be no ryme or reason, I just get really nervous...so letters seem to work in letting you know what I have to say. I know I'm wierd, oddly enough I write letters to my mom and Niki when I get stressed about things too so I should be getting used to it by now.Anyway, I'll start off with what's on my mind most lately...sexy time. Everybody looks for what they need in life no matter what it is. Thus far you've provided most everything for me but sometimes I worry that I can't do the same for you. As I'm sure you've noticed, our sexy time has been drastically cut...yes I've been able to be more comfortable with you most of the time, but I still have no sex drive.
In the beginning I tried every time you wanted so that I could force my body to adjust, make it see that your hand wouldn't hurt me - it was so often at first because I wasn't comfortable. I was anxious and nervous...but I've been able to push past that. In doing so I had hoped that I would start to build a mental and physical sexual desire as well as work past some of my issues...well at least I got one of the two. I felt as if our relationship had become sex driven because while Daryl was away I was staying there 4-5 nights a week and we were intimate 2-3 of those nights. I kinda cut it back to 2-3 nights a week and we had sex almost every time. This made me edgy and unable to enjoy our time together because all I could think about was to keep breathing and try to relax and keep calm, knowing sexual advances would be made. Once I was starting to feel comfortable with sex, I felt I had no reason to say no. Then Daryl came back and I already explained how hearing footsteps will set me off...just knowing someone's home is enough to not let me relax sometimes.
Back to the point of my blurb - I feel as if my lack of sex drive and inability to crave it will eventually make you resent me. For not wanting it, which is no fault of your own, but all the same something you would have to live with. I'm just saying I know for a fact that your need for sex is WAY stronger than mine and I don't know how to change that. I've worked past being twitchy and hyperventilating, but I have NO idea how to increase whatever it is that makes you want it.
To be honest, I feel inadequate. As if I can't provide what you need...I can't have sex on a nightly or even every second night basis or it will consume my mind and make me edgy...but after a few nights without I know you'll want to and it makes me nervous still. I don't know how to explain it...this is why I stayed single for so long! Sex is a huge deal to any guy...comes with having a penis...but I find it only fair that you know now before we get any more serious that I will never have a strong sex drive...can you live with that?
There's so much more on my mind but my laptop's fan has been going for nearly 15 minutes and I swear if it shuts down now I'll never get this out...so I'm going to send this note, type the next one, and hope you understand.
Love you,
Shay-la
Part 2:
I really think I'll be able to relax more when I know there's nobody else home...like I was not only able to relax but really enjoy it when you had the house to yourself! That being said, I do enjoy sex once we're in the moment - it's the leading up to it and not knowing what to really do that gets me. I can count on 2 hands how many times I was intimate with ANYONE before you...only 3 parteners. So anything I know is mostly from you and even then I'm still trying to figure things out!
Speaking of living together...this is another big thing that's been on my mind alot lately. I do think we're ready to take it to the next step and live together...but I think we'd be jumping the gun in BUYING a house together this soon. I love you dearly, but there's no reason to rush. If you'd like to buy a seperate farm and live there then I'm happy to let you buy it and live there with you, but if we're moving a house onto my mom's property, I insist that I buy it. I'm not saying anything bad will happen, I hope I'm with you til I die...but that's like 60 years from now and alot can happen in that time.
I really hope you don't take offense to this because I mean none. It was the same thing with my uncle's place in BC...I see NO reason to rush into that! We've only been dating almost 8 months now and that's hella fast to go from "hi my name's..." to signing the dotted line on a shared mortgage. I hope you see my point. I think this is the only area I've felt our age difference. You are 110% ready to buy a house and move to BC and do all these things...whereas I'm just looking at my possibilities here. Yes the mountains are amazing and I'd love to own a little farm there, but realistically at this point in my life, I can't afford that. If I buy a trailer and move it onto mom's property for a year or two I MIGHT save enough money for a downpayment on half of a townhouse in BC...at that point we can put all our money together and see what we can afford in BC. Again, I hope you can see where I'm coming from...
Honestly, I think I'm just getting "cold feet" so to speak...I can't even express how I FEEL without being nervous so yeah, buying a house with ANYONE at this point scares the crap out of me. I realise I should've said this alot sooner, but better late than never. I suck at communicating...ask anyone that knows me. I'll let little things slide until it becomes an avalanche and squashes me from stress...then I'll explode for no reason. I'm really hoping that sharing all this with you will both prevent that and make you see why I've been a touch standoff-ish lately. I just had no idea where or how to start saying what I wanted to. Even tonight on the phone, there was at least 3 silences where I could've gone "oh by the way" but didn't...writing has just always been my strong suit, hence why i have a journal dating back to 2000.
There's just so much that we still don't know about each other...and when we do share time it's in front of the tv, sex, or sleeping...we need to find an us thing. Something we can both do comfortably together and talk throughout it. even something as simple as walking the dog around the block before settling down and watching a thing on tv before bed...I think my babbling has informed you of nearly EVERYTHING I've done in my life but I still don't know what your favorite color is.
The only thing I don't like about writing to tell someone my thoughts is that I have no clue what your reaction is. You could be sitting there mad as hell and cursing, or lean back and say "oh...well that explains a little..." I simply don't know. A responce would help with that - be it a reply on here or a phone call to talk about it or wait until I'm over next, I don't care how...but I do need some feedback on this. Either I'm being silly and worrying over nothing or I have some valid fears over getting in over my head way too soon in any given relationship. I realise this is alot of heavy shit, but read it a couple times...let it all register and get back to me.
Keep in mind that I didn't re-read what I've written, I'm typing as fast as I can so as not to allow myself to hit delete and keep it hidden. This would be the next running point but I really do love you with everything I have and want to try breaking down my walls to see us together. I meant what I said about our promise rings - when I'm ready to by a house with someone, marry, and possibly have kids, I want it to be with you. I love you more than anything Bradey...
Shay-la
OK so now that you all know my deepest thoughts about the Bradey and I scenario, here's his "thoughtful" reply...
ya you should have told me sooner, and not lead me on like this, and sorry i can't wait, i don't have the option.THanks
I'm sorry but umm...WHAT?! I don't even have words to type here because I'm in shock. I share my feelings and not only did he get upset that I wrote them instead of just spoke to him, but he tells me he can't wait!? That sounds like an ultimatum to me...so I texted him and asked wtf? He said it's not a situation where if I don't buy a house with him we're done, but that's what it feels like. Then he said something about what would happen if he moved to BC...I felt like saying go the fuck ahead! I'm not the prissy gf that's going to cry and beg you to stay! You want to leave, LEAVE then! That's your call...do what you have to do...but I'm not able to go with you. I'm taking steps to take care of my mom before I skip this province in a COUPLE YEARS FROM NOW. Maybe up to 5 years before I can afford anything decent out west! I'm not going to jump into it blindly and hope for the best, that reaks of disaster!
Anyway, that's my blog for tonight...might have more to wrote later but my laptop is very warm! LOL later!
So I have communication issues. When I get frazzled or worked up, talking is not my strong suit so no matter who it's to I usually will write a letter to them to let them know how I'm feeling. Well lately I've been a bit frazzled with Bradey so following my own footsteps I wrote him a long letter...please read...also please ignore the lack of english skills...the one I wrote was well spaced and paragraphed but apparently copy and paste doesn't allow for grammar! And I'm too lazy to go through the whole thing to fix it...well maybe I'll make the paragraphs LOL
Hey Pookie,
I have no idea why but I'm really struggling with opening up to you lately. There seems to be no ryme or reason, I just get really nervous...so letters seem to work in letting you know what I have to say. I know I'm wierd, oddly enough I write letters to my mom and Niki when I get stressed about things too so I should be getting used to it by now.Anyway, I'll start off with what's on my mind most lately...sexy time. Everybody looks for what they need in life no matter what it is. Thus far you've provided most everything for me but sometimes I worry that I can't do the same for you. As I'm sure you've noticed, our sexy time has been drastically cut...yes I've been able to be more comfortable with you most of the time, but I still have no sex drive.
In the beginning I tried every time you wanted so that I could force my body to adjust, make it see that your hand wouldn't hurt me - it was so often at first because I wasn't comfortable. I was anxious and nervous...but I've been able to push past that. In doing so I had hoped that I would start to build a mental and physical sexual desire as well as work past some of my issues...well at least I got one of the two. I felt as if our relationship had become sex driven because while Daryl was away I was staying there 4-5 nights a week and we were intimate 2-3 of those nights. I kinda cut it back to 2-3 nights a week and we had sex almost every time. This made me edgy and unable to enjoy our time together because all I could think about was to keep breathing and try to relax and keep calm, knowing sexual advances would be made. Once I was starting to feel comfortable with sex, I felt I had no reason to say no. Then Daryl came back and I already explained how hearing footsteps will set me off...just knowing someone's home is enough to not let me relax sometimes.
Back to the point of my blurb - I feel as if my lack of sex drive and inability to crave it will eventually make you resent me. For not wanting it, which is no fault of your own, but all the same something you would have to live with. I'm just saying I know for a fact that your need for sex is WAY stronger than mine and I don't know how to change that. I've worked past being twitchy and hyperventilating, but I have NO idea how to increase whatever it is that makes you want it.
To be honest, I feel inadequate. As if I can't provide what you need...I can't have sex on a nightly or even every second night basis or it will consume my mind and make me edgy...but after a few nights without I know you'll want to and it makes me nervous still. I don't know how to explain it...this is why I stayed single for so long! Sex is a huge deal to any guy...comes with having a penis...but I find it only fair that you know now before we get any more serious that I will never have a strong sex drive...can you live with that?
There's so much more on my mind but my laptop's fan has been going for nearly 15 minutes and I swear if it shuts down now I'll never get this out...so I'm going to send this note, type the next one, and hope you understand.
Love you,
Shay-la
Part 2:
I really think I'll be able to relax more when I know there's nobody else home...like I was not only able to relax but really enjoy it when you had the house to yourself! That being said, I do enjoy sex once we're in the moment - it's the leading up to it and not knowing what to really do that gets me. I can count on 2 hands how many times I was intimate with ANYONE before you...only 3 parteners. So anything I know is mostly from you and even then I'm still trying to figure things out!
Speaking of living together...this is another big thing that's been on my mind alot lately. I do think we're ready to take it to the next step and live together...but I think we'd be jumping the gun in BUYING a house together this soon. I love you dearly, but there's no reason to rush. If you'd like to buy a seperate farm and live there then I'm happy to let you buy it and live there with you, but if we're moving a house onto my mom's property, I insist that I buy it. I'm not saying anything bad will happen, I hope I'm with you til I die...but that's like 60 years from now and alot can happen in that time.
I really hope you don't take offense to this because I mean none. It was the same thing with my uncle's place in BC...I see NO reason to rush into that! We've only been dating almost 8 months now and that's hella fast to go from "hi my name's..." to signing the dotted line on a shared mortgage. I hope you see my point. I think this is the only area I've felt our age difference. You are 110% ready to buy a house and move to BC and do all these things...whereas I'm just looking at my possibilities here. Yes the mountains are amazing and I'd love to own a little farm there, but realistically at this point in my life, I can't afford that. If I buy a trailer and move it onto mom's property for a year or two I MIGHT save enough money for a downpayment on half of a townhouse in BC...at that point we can put all our money together and see what we can afford in BC. Again, I hope you can see where I'm coming from...
Honestly, I think I'm just getting "cold feet" so to speak...I can't even express how I FEEL without being nervous so yeah, buying a house with ANYONE at this point scares the crap out of me. I realise I should've said this alot sooner, but better late than never. I suck at communicating...ask anyone that knows me. I'll let little things slide until it becomes an avalanche and squashes me from stress...then I'll explode for no reason. I'm really hoping that sharing all this with you will both prevent that and make you see why I've been a touch standoff-ish lately. I just had no idea where or how to start saying what I wanted to. Even tonight on the phone, there was at least 3 silences where I could've gone "oh by the way" but didn't...writing has just always been my strong suit, hence why i have a journal dating back to 2000.
There's just so much that we still don't know about each other...and when we do share time it's in front of the tv, sex, or sleeping...we need to find an us thing. Something we can both do comfortably together and talk throughout it. even something as simple as walking the dog around the block before settling down and watching a thing on tv before bed...I think my babbling has informed you of nearly EVERYTHING I've done in my life but I still don't know what your favorite color is.
The only thing I don't like about writing to tell someone my thoughts is that I have no clue what your reaction is. You could be sitting there mad as hell and cursing, or lean back and say "oh...well that explains a little..." I simply don't know. A responce would help with that - be it a reply on here or a phone call to talk about it or wait until I'm over next, I don't care how...but I do need some feedback on this. Either I'm being silly and worrying over nothing or I have some valid fears over getting in over my head way too soon in any given relationship. I realise this is alot of heavy shit, but read it a couple times...let it all register and get back to me.
Keep in mind that I didn't re-read what I've written, I'm typing as fast as I can so as not to allow myself to hit delete and keep it hidden. This would be the next running point but I really do love you with everything I have and want to try breaking down my walls to see us together. I meant what I said about our promise rings - when I'm ready to by a house with someone, marry, and possibly have kids, I want it to be with you. I love you more than anything Bradey...
Shay-la
OK so now that you all know my deepest thoughts about the Bradey and I scenario, here's his "thoughtful" reply...
ya you should have told me sooner, and not lead me on like this, and sorry i can't wait, i don't have the option.THanks
I'm sorry but umm...WHAT?! I don't even have words to type here because I'm in shock. I share my feelings and not only did he get upset that I wrote them instead of just spoke to him, but he tells me he can't wait!? That sounds like an ultimatum to me...so I texted him and asked wtf? He said it's not a situation where if I don't buy a house with him we're done, but that's what it feels like. Then he said something about what would happen if he moved to BC...I felt like saying go the fuck ahead! I'm not the prissy gf that's going to cry and beg you to stay! You want to leave, LEAVE then! That's your call...do what you have to do...but I'm not able to go with you. I'm taking steps to take care of my mom before I skip this province in a COUPLE YEARS FROM NOW. Maybe up to 5 years before I can afford anything decent out west! I'm not going to jump into it blindly and hope for the best, that reaks of disaster!
Anyway, that's my blog for tonight...might have more to wrote later but my laptop is very warm! LOL later!
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